Telling Teenage Fortunes / November 17 2008
No.29
You will become a virgin.
Telling Teenage Fortunes / November 14 2008
No.28
After General Assembly one morning, Julian Thorpe, an odious fellow student with eczema and a face like a knee, will throw a chair across the sixth-form common room at you because you said that Jesus was ‘one of the all-time comedy greats.’
Telling Teenage Fortunes / October 26 2008
No.27
When you are fourteen years-old you will make your parents buy you your first guitar - after you have threatened to commit suicide if they refuse. It will come from the Woolworth’s catalogue.
It will be a Hondo acoustic: an ugly American piece of crap that was produced in Japan from wood that should have been [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / October 20 2008
No.26
You will come to accept that you are not Bruce Springsteen.
Telling Teenage Fortunes / October 6 2008
No.24
You will develop a taste for alcohol.
Telling Teenage Fortunes / October 3 2008
No.24
Often, when you dream at night, you will discover you possess something extraordinary; something you didn’t realize you had.
This is what it is: grace.
Telling Teenage Fortunes / September 21 2008
No.23
You will argue with your girlfriend’s strikingly handsome older sister about women’s rights in general and about abortion in particular. At the end of the conversation your doubtful tone will resolve itself into tetchy certainty. You will say things you will come to regret.
Later, with the clarity of reflection, you will realize, though never admit, [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / September 1 2008
No.22
Your art and drama teacher will tell you he fancies your girlfriend.
You will not know how to react to this apart from telling him: ‘Well, that’s alarmingly honest of you, sir.’
You will, however, by some miracle of sympathy, know exactly how he feels.
Telling Teenage Fortunes / August 25 2008
No.21
You will discover you have a talent for confusing people.
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Sam’s Town – The Killers
Telling Teenage Fortunes / August 11 2008
No.20
Your French teacher who stinks of Brut will proclaim to the class that he thinks you are ‘about as clever as a box of hair’.
This will have everybody giggling into their copies of Candide for at least five minutes.
You will say this in reply: nothing.
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Wait For Me – The Pigeon Detectives
