In The Night Garden / December 7 2008
I was supervising Audrey at eleven o’clock last night as she emptied her bowels in the frosty garden when a large head peered over the wall at the bottom near the fuchsias.
‘You look like George Clooney in this light.’ It was Reg.
‘You gave me a fright there, Reginald.’
‘I’ve just walked Maria home. We had a [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / November 17 2008
No.29
You will become a virgin.
A Tail of Two Doggies / April 23 2008
I have just been chatting to Reg. Instead of having to pretend to laugh at his awful gags, we were actually having a serious discussion. We were talking about dogging. (Google it.) According to the local press, the village has a serious dogging problem that is developing relatively unchecked.
The people who take part in this [...]
Throes / January 14 2008
The middle-aged couple who have moved in next door were in the throes of loud sexual congress for about two hours last night.
The man – whose first name I have just learned is Maxwell – and his wife were making more noise than was strictly necessary for a windy Sunday night in a quiet street [...]
Company of Wolves / November 30 2007
Nelson is arriving today to continue work on his album and to force me into drinking too much alcohol. (That’s never been difficult! – Ed.)
Audrey really loves seeing her Uncle Nelson too. She loves to show him all the new paths she has recently discovered when he accompanies us on our big lunchtime walks around [...]
Poodle Nuisance / November 5 2007
Audrey gave a command performance this morning when a pretty little poodle tried to smell her private bits.
She was disgusted. ‘I’m jolly well not having that,’ she decided and promptly set about the poor thing, pinning it to the damp grass of the park and attempting to bite off its tiny nose.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I [...]
Confessions of a Blog Artist / March 9 2007
I have just consumed a whole family-sized tub of Häagen-Dazs Double Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. Again. (I didn’t mean to.)
It is often said that laughter is a great tonic; well, so is ice cream. However, I am now staring at my extended gut in my full-length mirror and the laughter - ironic though it is [...]
A Close Shave / February 21 2007
Larry Rudolph, Britney Spears’ manager, informs me that the troubled pop singer has gone back into rehab. Apparently, the poor girl checked into an unnamed facility at the request of her mother and other family members.
Britney has been trying to contact me periodically since her much-publicised split from erstwhile paramour Kevin Federline, but we haven’t [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / February 1 2007
No.3 You will fondle a prefect.
Au Revoir, Paris / January 24 2007
Until recently, I was thinking of approaching celebrity heiress Paris Hilton and asking her if she would like to be my girlfriend. But after hearing of her recent arrest for drink-driving, I’ve changed my mind.
A Los Angeles court has fined her $1,150 and sentenced her to three years probation after she pleaded no contest to [...]
