Telling Teenage Fortunes / November 14 2008
No.28
After General Assembly one morning, Julian Thorpe, an odious fellow student with eczema and a face like a knee, will throw a chair across the sixth-form common room at you because you said that Jesus was ‘one of the all-time comedy greats.’
Telling Teenage Fortunes / September 1 2008
No.22
Your art and drama teacher will tell you he fancies your girlfriend.
You will not know how to react to this apart from telling him: ‘Well, that’s alarmingly honest of you, sir.’
You will, however, by some miracle of sympathy, know exactly how he feels.
Telling Teenage Fortunes / August 11 2008
No.20
Your French teacher who stinks of Brut will proclaim to the class that he thinks you are ‘about as clever as a box of hair’.
This will have everybody giggling into their copies of Candide for at least five minutes.
You will say this in reply: nothing.
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Wait For Me – The Pigeon Detectives
Telling Teenage Fortunes / July 18 2008
No.19
You will refuse to participate in a game of ‘murderball’ during an afternoon PE class taken by your least favourite games teacher-sadist, preferring instead to go home and listen to the new Clash and Sex Pistols albums.
As a punishment, you will receive ten days of after-school detention which you will elect to not attend. The [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / June 12 2008
No.18
An ugly Eng. Lit. teacher with bad breath and spectacles from Coca-Cola will accuse you of being ‘the most arrogant person in the world’.
She will not be aware, however, that what she took to be youthful arrogance is in fact abject insecurity.
Teachers on Strike / April 24 2008
Audrey and I passed a small group of teachers with placards outside the Brigg Junior School this morning. They are striking for a better pay deal.
They had a very catchy chant: ‘What do we want?’ ‘More money!’ ‘When do we want it?’ ‘NOW!’ If you ask me, that is a very reasonable demand and one [...]
Climbing Trousers / February 3 2008
‘Billy, come down from there!’ his mother chided him in agonised entreaty. ‘Those are your best trousers!’
‘No they’re not,’ shouted the little boy. He scrambled even higher up the wall. ‘These are my climbing trousers.’
Hearing the querulous squeals of little Billy on the rec’ this morning and watching this anxious woman wringing her hands in [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / July 1 2007
No.12 You will become addicted to Pineapple Chunks and Pear Drops. Occasionally, after swimming lessons, you will overdose on Curly Wurlies.
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
The Great Escape – Blur
In the Wee Small Hours – Frank Sinatra
Teaching the World to Sing / June 27 2007
It is such a joy to live only a few yards from the local infants’ school.
I take great delight in seeing the children jumping and hopping around, shouting and laughing. Audrey loves it too as the kids usually make a big fuss of her. Many of them know her by name and I often overhear [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / May 30 2007
No.11 Your art teacher will introduce you to the dubious delights of Newcastle Brown Ale.
You will drink 14 pints of it in the Red Lion whilst trying - rather clumsily - to impress Sally, the new girl from Nottingham High who looks so goddamn regal, you will feel that you should take her knee and [...]
