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Turbulence / March 12 2008
Again with the severe weather here in the middle of Great England. When Audrey and I stepped out of the house this morning we were nearly blown off our feet. ‘Crikey!’ I declared, battling against the gale.
‘George W. Bush!’ barked my little dog who was trying not to become airborne again.
In the village, as we [...]
Angelina versus Jennifer / March 8 2008
I dreamed last night that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Anniston were fighting over me. They were really going for it. There was lots of hair-pulling, face-scratching and even a few karate chops and well-aimed heavy punches. It was great.
It then got even better when Sophia Loren from 1960 suddenly appeared and stepped into the fray. [...]
A Very British Quake / February 27 2008
There was an earthquake here at 1am this morning that registered 5.2 on the Richter scale.
Audrey scuttled under the bed, the wardrobe shook, the bed vibrated and the sash windows rattled in their frames. No one was seriously injured and nothing much happened but everyone is talking about it.
‘Did the earth move for you this [...]
Double Glazing / December 20 2007
Audrey and I put Hamilton on the train to Manchester this morning. He spent more than an hour on the telephone to his agent after breakfast and has managed to borrow a modest flat in the city for a few months. He even has some voice-over work lined up.
He also dug deep and managed to [...]
Uneasy Lies the Crown / November 24 2007
There is a badly written article in the local press today that concerns the local controversy surrounding this summer’s Village Carnival Queen. Apparently she has been dethroned, having lied about her age, pretending to be sixteen when in reality she was three years younger.
She looks considerably older than thirteen in the front-page photograph of her [...]
Mojo Workin’ / November 21 2007
I treated myself to a restorative shopping trip to Nottingham yesterday. Amongst other things, I bought an expensive French Connection sweater and House of Meetings, the new Martin Amis novel.
For some reason, almost every pretty woman that I passed gave me a cute smile or even went so far as to nod at me by [...]
Heavenly Bodies / August 14 2007
It is hard work being single sometimes – especially for a man as handsome and as talented as I am.
What I find particularly perplexing, is when Audrey and I encounter pretty females whilst we are out walking.
I fall in love everyday. As soon as I see a beautiful woman, I am already imagining in my [...]
Hot Girl Smoking / July 10 2007
It very hot here today and I have just seen a bizarre sight.
Outside the Co-op on the marketplace, standing with a full trolley of groceries, was a pretty young woman waiting for a taxi. Not unusual in itself, except that she was dressed in a very modest and revealing pink bikini. Nelson would have been [...]
Overture / June 9 2007
I’m so excited. I’m so exciting.
At four o’clock yesterday afternoon, I clumsily presented to my new potential life-partner - the fine-looking lollipop lady who performs her duties twice daily at the end of the street (I’m a sucker for a pretty girl in a hi-vis miniskirt) - a huge red lollipop. It was strawberry-flavoured. I [...]
Note To Self / May 11 2007
I must remember not to grin like an idiot at pretty girls in the supermarket. It never proves to be a wholly successful exercise. In fact, I invariably end up embarrassing myself.
This morning, I smiled and said hi to a dazzling young creature at the fruit and vegetable counter in the Co-op. But in so [...]
