Misery Guts / November 12 2008
The miserable old Pakistani man behind the counter in the corner shop was this morning in an even gloomier mood than usual. For some odd reason he always calls me Steve.
‘Mr Mishri, I keep telling you, my name’s not Ste – ‘
‘What’s that, Steve?’
‘Never mind.’
I asked him why he looked so despondent.
‘Business is so bad [...]
Red Spaniels and Musclemen / September 29 2008
‘Good morning. Lovely day isn’t it.’
Damn, I thought. Damn! Damn! Damn!
When Audrey and I passed the frisky red spaniel this morning he was accompanied by an incredibly huge and rather frightening young man with a cleft chin and slicked-back hair. As they passed by I was tempted to form the immediate assumption that the proliferation [...]
Afternoons With Kylie / May 19 2008
‘I’m sorry, but I really do not want to buy any make-up.’
‘Or perfume?’
‘Or perfume.’
I couldn’t get rid of Kylie, the local representative for a well-known cosmetics company yesterday. She was convinced I had a woman in the house somewhere who might want to buy something from her. She kept looking over my shoulder, trying to [...]
Sunday Morning Excuses / May 4 2008
Audrey and I keep bumping into Reg and Hercules, his little Jack Russell terrier. I was flabbergasted this morning when he asked me: ‘Didn’t see you in church this morning, Napoleon. Something better to do, eh?’
‘Well . . . I was . . . erm . . .’
‘No excuses, mate. I‘ll see you there next [...]
Foolish Parish Polish Polish Controversy / April 4 2008
It was still a little dark at six this morning when Audrey and I veered toward the shops during our early morning walk.
As we neared the market place, I recognised one of the local Polish newcomers sitting on the pavement outside the post office. He had with him a wooden stool and beside him on [...]
Plughole / February 25 2008
A sausage-fingered piano player I know from a few years ago called at the house last night to ask if he could book the studio for a few days. He is someone I have never liked or respected and I must admit that I took great pleasure in turning down his request.
If I said that [...]
I See Dumb People / January 21 2008
As I was coming out of the Co-op today, I bumped into Reg, the aquatic troubleshooter, and I must say, my opinion of the fellow has changed.
After standing and chatting to him for a few minutes this morning, I realised that he is in fact a comedy genius.
He had noticed that I was becoming intensely [...]
Beast Before Beauty / January 9 2008
‘After you, Kev,’ I said. ‘Age before beauty.’
In something of a generous gesture, I held the door and motioned for Kev – a frightening hard man of the village who sometimes (in words of less than one syllable) says good morning to me when Audrey and I encounter him and his twitching Rottweiler on the [...]
The Impossible Man / November 10 2007
‘That’s impossible,’ said a dishevelled old man in front of me at the checkout in the Co-op this morning.
He stank of urine and looked like he was wearing a costume from some low-budget apocalyptic Hollywood movie. He was trying to buy a bottle of vodka but didn’t have the necessary funds and was performing a [...]
Sky West and Furious / October 25 2007
I was back in Sky West today – the hairdressing establishment on the market place where, a few months ago, I made a young trainee cry.
It was the same girl this morning who laconically invited me to sit in her chair.
‘Embarrassing trim, please,’ I said, trying to sound jolly. She did not react at all [...]
