Daily Mirror / July 20 2008
I am really growing to hate the mirror in my bathroom.
I stare into it every morning, preparing for my shave, and the things I notice most are the lines around my eyes. I am not very old, but it seems as if my flesh is dying on me. Every day there is another unwelcome wrinkle […]
A Crow Descending / July 16 2008
After being dive-bombed by an angry crow on the rec’ for ten minutes earlier today, Audrey and I took a different route home, along Landsbury Avenue and past the sewage works on the other side of the village. We regretted it.
Just before we reached the junction with the main road that leads to Mansfield, we […]
Kylie Bombshell / July 4 2008
‘What do you reckon about that Kylie Mine-agog getting the OBE, then, eh?’ I was collared in the street this morning by the moronic fellow from number 16 who loves to share the sound of his car alarm with the neighbourhood. ‘She only got it ‘cos Prince Charles fancies her.’
I humoured him: ‘The whole affair […]
The Napoleonic Wars (Part I) / May 5 2008
I was already in angry bear mode when I woke up this morning but the fact that my next-door-neighbour keeps throwing his empty cans of Foster’s lager on to my back garden made me feel even worse.
I took a moment to gird my loins and stormed round there. I banged on his door ready to […]
See The Idiot Cry / April 18 2008
I am haunted by stupidity.
The moron who lives a few doors down from me delights the residents of our street by allowing his car alarm to go off every hour or so. This has been going on for weeks now; he seems not to care that he is annoying people – especially me – beyond […]
Fowl Language / September 11 2007
Even though I am a vegetarian, I think that within the next few days I may kill a chicken.
There is a cockerel that has been installed in the back garden of a house a few doors down the street and he has bravely taken it upon himself to try to awaken the whole village at […]
High Steaks / September 3 2007
What the hell is it with people? Especially next-door-neighbours.
There I was, minding my own business, when something caught my eye outside the kitchen window. Thinking that perhaps I had once more begun to see phantoms, I ignored it. But then it happened again. Something dark and roughly the size and shape of a small bird […]
The Triumph of Good over Evil / April 18 2007
Just to keep you informed of the minutiae of day-to-day life in our Derbyshire village: the regional simpleton with the interminable, malfunctioning car-alarm has at last had his vehicle removed by the local authority. Yesterday, a man from the council arrived to carry it away on the back of a big red tow-truck. Hurrah!
It had […]
Motorcycle Morons / April 13 2007
I’m beginning to sound like an old curmudgeon, moaning about this and that, but here I go again . . .
I bloody hate idiots. That is to say: I do not hate the unfortunate individuals who are idiotic in the medical sense, but in the general remedial sense and more specifically, idiots on motorbikes.
To specify […]
Dreamboat / April 6 2007
Last night I dreamed I was marooned at sea in a small boat. With me were Nelson Galaxy - Big Arena Records’ glamorous and angst-ridden transvestite songwriter, my dog Audrey and Brad Pitt.
We were in the Iranian Ocean and I remember feeling very queasy; it was like being drunk, when the ground becomes variable. Audrey […]
