Fake-Tan Baaad-Ass Man / June 1 2009
I was accosted at the door this morning by a traveling rapper.
‘I is sellin’ fake tans, innit.’
I just couldn’t believe my eyes. An team of ugly white teenagers with bags full of fake tan products were going door-to-door selling their wares.
My one was wearing baggy, white Bench jeans, an NY top and cap, and enough [...]
Sterminate! Sterminate! / April 20 2009
‘Sterminate! Sterminate!’ That was a little boy on the way to school with his mother this morning, pointing at my dog and me, trying to kill us with his Dalek death ray.
‘Get lost, kid.’ That was me. I was in a bad mood.
Audrey could tell I was irritable and to prove this to me she [...]
Every Cloud / April 16 2009
Boy, it’s grim weather here today: heavy cloud and constant drizzle.
Looking out of the window I can see a massive, black, anvil-shaped monster of a thundercloud to the north just idly waiting until Audrey and I leave the house for our afternoon stroll around the park. It looks as if it is about to collapse [...]
Rooftop Protest / April 9 2009
I had decided to give up rooftop protests for Lent, but I am sorry to say my resolve did not hold and here I am about to embark upon yet another.
I’m fed up. After taking a week off to recharge my batteries, I got out of bed this morning – my official back-to-work day – [...]
Week Off / March 27 2009
As mentioned in my last post, I am taking a break for a few days.
Will you miss me?
I will not be gone for long – just a week or so. I have decided I need to rest my weary head and recharge my batteries.
Later, pop fans.
(All I really need is for a beautiful girl from [...]
Spring Break / March 25 2009
‘But you’re all right, aren’t you, father?’
‘Yes, of course I am, Audrey,’ I told my concerned little dog. ‘I’m just ever so slightly a bit exhausted. The doctor says I have been running myself into the ground and need to have a few days off just doing nothing.’
‘Oh,’ she barked, somewhat relieved, and went on [...]
A Moment of Weakness / October 24 2008
She was a beautiful young woman from Montargis, a town at the heart of the Gâtinais region of France, just south of Paris.
If she could hear me now, this is what I would tell her:
‘Tu me manques.’
Quantum of Solace / October 22 2008
Frightening bruiser Kev was in the corner shop on Princess Avenue today when I went in to buy a pint of milk. ‘Come in for your porno mags?’ was his charming question.
‘Ha ha ha! I don’t buy porno mag . . . pornographic magazines.’
‘Oh yes you do.’
The fact that there was a strikingly handsome Asian [...]
I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost / October 12 2008
When I got back from London yesterday tired and weary, I picked the hairy one up from her grandma’s and drove home in heavy traffic trying hard not to fall asleep at the wheel.
‘I know it’s rather early, Audrey,’ I told her, ‘but I think I’m going to have to go to bed as soon [...]
Financial Crisis / October 8 2008
‘How much!? Twenty-six pounds and eighty-four pence!? Are you mentally ill?’
‘Twenty-six eighty-four, please.’
I spent a horrible few moments in the Co-op this morning when, arriving at the checkout, I discovered I had made a substantial miscalculation and did not have enough money to pay for the provisions in my basket.
‘These same items only came to [...]
