« Previous Entries Next Entries »
Fat Is The Question / November 19 2007
It was a big lump of cooking fat that my mother slipped on today and fell badly outside the fish and chip shop in the village.
I was chatting away happily to her - one moment she was there and the next she was not. Casting my gaze downwards, I noticed to my horror that she [...]
Lord and Lady Muck / November 2 2007
The Mayor and his wife arrived in the village this morning to open the new Priory Health Centre. Audrey and I stood watching as he and his brassy wife disembarked from the black stretch limousine that is used to ferry them around.
What a waste of public funds. The mayor has no actual political power and, [...]
Chinese Sky-Candy Menace / October 23 2007
All fireworks should be banned in this country – the free use of them, anyway. They are annoying at best and dangerous and often lethal at worst.
Audrey is scared stiff of them. Local morons began letting them off on the rec’ behind our house last week, and I expect this evil practice to continue through [...]
Is It Safe? / October 19 2007
Would I get away with it if I murdered a Turkish dentist?
This is a question that I have been asking myself for a while now.
I need some bridge-work doing on my lovely teeth and my stupid (Turkish) dentist is refusing to do it on the NHS. It’s cosmetic, apparently. It is not essential treatment. Well [...]
This Is Not a Pipe / October 7 2007
As I was looking down on to the rec’ through the studio window last night, I noticed a dark figure crouching down inside one of the large, concrete drainage-pipes that are positioned there for children to play in.
Audrey loves them too. Every morning we have to play our game of hide and seek, with me [...]
Love of the Common People / September 18 2007
I beg your indulgence while I vent my spleen. I have mentioned before that rudeness is my bête noire, and I have just encountered an inbred idiot of a man who probably invented it.
There are many people around here who are ignorant, ill-mannered and demonstrably backward, but this person was so rude and objectionable that [...]
High Steaks / September 3 2007
What the hell is it with people? Especially next-door-neighbours.
There I was, minding my own business, when something caught my eye outside the kitchen window. Thinking that perhaps I had once more begun to see phantoms, I ignored it. But then it happened again. Something dark and roughly the size and shape of a small bird [...]
Danger, Will Robinson! / July 11 2007
There are items on the television news about the growth of gun crime in the UK again today. One does not encounter much of this in our quiet, little, English village, but I am reminded of an unpleasant episode that Audrey an I were once forced to endure when we were visiting relatives in Mansfield [...]
Devil Dogs / June 12 2007
All pit-bull terriers and similar dogs should be banned from the UK. As should the retarded people that own the ugly, wretched creatures. Both are bred for fighting and both are disgusting.
(In fact, I am firmly of the opinion that all such owners should be shot at birth. And I know what you are going to say, [...]
Muppets / May 17 2007
My bête noire is rudeness.
Generally, I find English people – especially around here, where Audrey and I live – to be ill-mannered, ignorant and impolite. It does not take an enormous effort to be courteous and respectful to one’s fellow humans but unfortunately it is an increasingly rare occurrence.
This morning, Audrey was attacked by two [...]
