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Wait Watchers / April 14 2008
I had to catch a bus into Alfreton this morning and found myself waiting for about ninety minutes before I eventually got on one. I was so happy, I felt like bursting into song.
What annoyed me more than the actual waiting-time was the fact that I was being watched by two obese women with greasy [...]
Evil Piers / March 28 2008
What is it with the Americans’ obsession with former tabloid editor Piers Morgan who has just won the US version of Celebrity Apprentice?
In the final programme, he described himself as an ‘evil, obnoxious, disgusting Brit.’ His assessment of his own character is nothing if not completely accurate. I would, however, replace the first two letters [...]
Drug Dealer / March 27 2008
‘No hairdye today, Mr Fantastic?’ The disagreeable individual who manages the village chemist shop was shouting after me as I was closing his door. I hate him.
He was trying to embarrass me but it’s something that will never happen.
A middle-aged woman was entering the shop as I was leaving; she let a smile win her [...]
Plughole / February 25 2008
A sausage-fingered piano player I know from a few years ago called at the house last night to ask if he could book the studio for a few days. He is someone I have never liked or respected and I must admit that I took great pleasure in turning down his request.
If I said that [...]
Acid Flashback / February 17 2008
Thank goodness for vandals.
If it wasn’t for the group of teenage hooligans who had set fire to some old car batteries on the rec’ yesterday, Audrey and I would not have been pleasantly warmed on our frosty evening stroll by the impressive bonfire they had so thoughtfully created.
I do so love those naughty boys.
I had [...]
I’ve Got The Hump / February 11 2008
The roadworks that have been taking place intermittently on our street for the past month have resulted in the appearance of several raised humps intended to act as traffic-calming measures.
One of these ludicrously insubstantial bulges in the road’s surface has been positioned directly outside my house. The low-frequency noise that was generated daily during its [...]
Our Manual Friend / January 24 2008
Sonny Starr, drummer with punk band The Dysons, turned up at the studio last night. In his arms was a bundle of technical manuals. ‘Here ya go,’ he said, cheerfully.
‘What are these, Sonny?’ I asked.
‘Reading books.’ Intelligence and literacy are not his defining characteristics.
I was going to ignore them initially, but propelled by some kind [...]
King Cnut / January 11 2008
I hate going to get my anti-anxiety pills from the chemist in the village. It always makes me very anxious.
The situation is made worse by the fact that the chemist, Mr. King (in my mind, I always call him Isaiah because he has an unfortunate facial deformity whereby one of his eyes is a centimetre [...]
NEDs’ Atomic Dustbins / January 3 2008
One thing that amazed me about the New Year celebrations here in the village was that although the bars and pubs were deserted on New Year’s Eve, it looked as if an invading army had rampaged through the normally tidy streets on New Year’s Day morning.
Whilst out on our first walk of the year, Audrey [...]
Fat Is The Question / November 19 2007
It was a big lump of cooking fat that my mother slipped on today and fell badly outside the fish and chip shop in the village.
I was chatting away happily to her - one moment she was there and the next she was not. Casting my gaze downwards, I noticed to my horror that she [...]
