Hendrix In Nottingham / September 4 2008
I was in Nottingham yesterday buying some Doc Martens when I noticed a heavily tattooed man cleaning the big front windows of Debenhams department store in Slab Square. It was none other than disgusting punk troubadour Hendrix Sikboy.
Dressed in black leather and sporting a huge peroxide hairdo, he was shouting the lyrics to the Sex […]
Evil Beings In Rural England / August 6 2008
After our morning walk today, Audrey and I were just going in the front door when a frighteningly ugly bull terrier escaped from its frighteningly ugly female owner and, teeth bared, launched itself across the road in our direction. Thankfully, we made it safely inside, and I was able to close the door just as […]
Kylie Bombshell / July 4 2008
‘What do you reckon about that Kylie Mine-agog getting the OBE, then, eh?’ I was collared in the street this morning by the moronic fellow from number 16 who loves to share the sound of his car alarm with the neighbourhood. ‘She only got it ‘cos Prince Charles fancies her.’
I humoured him: ‘The whole affair […]
Trailer Trash / June 7 2008
Some detestable moron-cum-idiot was driving away with a large open-backed trailer attached to his flashy Land Rover earlier today from the entrance to the lane that Audrey and I like to wander along towards the babbling brook in the bottom of the Amber Valley. He had just finished dumping on to the wooded path several […]
Bad Fat Cab Man / May 28 2008
I’m not usually one to incite hatred or advocate any kind of physical violence but I’m making an exception today.
If you happen to be in an ex-mining village on the Derbyshire/Nottinghamshire border and you see a fat, balding cab driver who looks like the missing link in evolution in a car belonging to Amber Taxis, […]
The Napoleonic Wars (Part I) / May 5 2008
I was already in angry bear mode when I woke up this morning but the fact that my next-door-neighbour keeps throwing his empty cans of Foster’s lager on to my back garden made me feel even worse.
I took a moment to gird my loins and stormed round there. I banged on his door ready to […]
And Multiply / April 28 2008
There is a boy whose photograph is splashed all over the front page of the local paper today who was viciously attacked by a gang of youths at the weekend. He was so badly beaten, his own reflection didn’t recognise him.
His attackers are typical of hundreds of young males around here: ignorant and intolerant – […]
See The Idiot Cry / April 18 2008
I am haunted by stupidity.
The moron who lives a few doors down from me delights the residents of our street by allowing his car alarm to go off every hour or so. This has been going on for weeks now; he seems not to care that he is annoying people – especially me – beyond […]
Wait Watchers / April 14 2008
I had to catch a bus into Alfreton this morning and found myself waiting for about ninety minutes before I eventually got on one. I was so happy, I felt like bursting into song.
What annoyed me more than the actual waiting-time was the fact that I was being watched by two obese women with greasy […]
Evil Piers / March 28 2008
What is it with the Americans’ obsession with former tabloid editor Piers Morgan who has just won the US version of Celebrity Apprentice?
In the final programme, he described himself as an ‘evil, obnoxious, disgusting Brit.’ His assessment of his own character is nothing if not completely accurate. I would, however, replace the first two letters […]
