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Sign Language / October 14 2007
I have noticed recently that there are some unusual signs and notices in the village, and there is some very weird graffiti, too.
One bright green sign in the Co-op car park says in large white lettering: WHY. Why indeed. The significance of the question eludes me completely.
A notice outside the infants’ school on our street [...]
Everyday Things I Wish I Was Better at Doing / October 4 2007
6. Driving
I have never been the world’s best driver, but it is not my lack of basic driving ability to which I refer here. More specifically, it is the fact that I am so bad at being able to sound a car’s horn properly whenever the need arises.
My driving instructor Kevin - who was so [...]
Rainman / September 4 2007
It is often stated that we English are obsessed with the weather. Well, let me tell you this: it’s true; we are.
Winter is by far my favourite season. Nothing beats getting all cosy in front of a blazing fire when there are snowdrifts and icy winds outside. And dressing up warm and going out carol-singing [...]
Cat Scratch Fever / September 2 2007
I was watching Audrey barking at a cat earlier today that had skilfully positioned itself just out of her reach on the wall at the bottom of our garden. The thing wasn’t going to move. It was happy to merely sit there serene and aloof, quietly ignoring her vociferous protestations.
I ventured outside to try to [...]
Dye Another Day / August 21 2007
I was planning on paying a visit to the chemist’s in the village today and to take again the opportunity to tease the little old lady who works there. (In my view, they charge a ridiculous price for some of the hair-care products that they stock.)
I need to purchase hair dye for the weekend. Nelson [...]
Everyday Things I Wish I Was Better at Doing / August 20 2007
5. Swimming
In my dreams, I am a musclebound Olympic gold-medal swimmer (well, am I not the hero of my own life-story?), but I am forced to admit that, in reality, I am nothing of the sort. I am exceptionally bad at any form of natation.
I annoy myself for being this way because most of my [...]
How to Talk to a Wardrobe / August 16 2007
1/ Drink two bottles of cheap red wine. (I know. I am a very naughty boy.)
2/ Sleep in your clothes. (Shoes optional.)
3/ Misplace the bedroom light switch when you get up in the middle of the night to visit the toilet. (In the past, it has always been right there in the same position on [...]
The Measure of the Man / August 10 2007
I was in Smythe’s the Tailors in the village yesterday being measured for a suit. It was an odd experience. I have always purchased what few suits I own ‘off the peg’ - so it was all new to me. Audrey was with me and we were both full of eager anticipation.
Whilst he was busy [...]
Camp David / July 31 2007
Gordon Brown didn’t quite tick the ‘George Bush is my best friend’ box when he met the US president yesterday. But it seems that we can all rest easy that the relationship between the two leaders is a strong and mutually respectful one.
In my opinion, the biggest issue is one of trust. How much can [...]
Morning Has Broken / June 28 2007
Ahhrgh! Do you ever get one of those mornings when everything goes wrong?
I am ordinarily quite a clumsy person; but I have thoroughly out-done myself today.
I got out of my bed as normal at 6:00am. The early morning sun that was streaming through the window was shining directly upon Audrey, beautifully highlighting the damson colours [...]
