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Idiot Check / February 4 2008
When we are on the road with the band, to outsiders, it can seem that we are occasionally really cruel to the road crew. It isn’t something that I am particularly proud of, but, generally, chief roadie Tom - the thinnest and crustiest of all the roadies in the universe - and his lieutenants always [...]
I See Dumb People / January 21 2008
As I was coming out of the Co-op today, I bumped into Reg, the aquatic troubleshooter, and I must say, my opinion of the fellow has changed.
After standing and chatting to him for a few minutes this morning, I realised that he is in fact a comedy genius.
He had noticed that I was becoming intensely [...]
Peoms for Punky Pets ™ No.75 / January 17 2008
If you happened to read Jo Beaufoix’s post that I mentioned yesterday, you would have seen her mention the book that we have written together, Peoms for Punky Pets.
I have already alluded to it before; it is a book of silly, short verse about pets and animals that is aimed at children - but with [...]
Throes / January 14 2008
The middle-aged couple who have moved in next door were in the throes of loud sexual congress for about two hours last night.
The man – whose first name I have just learned is Maxwell – and his wife were making more noise than was strictly necessary for a windy Sunday night in a quiet street [...]
Fun with Middle Eights / December 10 2007
Whilst working on Nelson’s new recordings last week, we came across a slight predicament with his use of middle eights.
Most of his songs include such things and, by and large, as his producer, I am happy for them to stay there. Also as his producer, I found it necessary to point out to him a [...]
Dialect Breakthrough / November 12 2007
I am only just beginning to understand the meaning of certain phrases I have heard being spoken around the village recently. The Derbyshire dialect can be quite indecipherable at times, but my ears are becoming more attuned to it as the months go by.
Here are two examples that had me stumped for ages. They both [...]
Poodle Nuisance / November 5 2007
Audrey gave a command performance this morning when a pretty little poodle tried to smell her private bits.
She was disgusted. ‘I’m jolly well not having that,’ she decided and promptly set about the poor thing, pinning it to the damp grass of the park and attempting to bite off its tiny nose.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I [...]
Crafty Fag / October 27 2007
‘You haven’t seen me, right?’
‘Pardon?’
There was a small, flowery-dressed young man standing next to the dustbins behind the Arts and Crafts shop this morning as Audrey and I passed by on our misty morning walk.
‘Oh what an absolutely, gorgeously divine dog! Does she bite?’ He blew a sophisticated kiss at Audrey. ‘I’m just having a [...]
Sea Pigs / October 15 2007
I was in the little café in the village today when I overheard a bizarre conversation.
I had popped in with the intention of having a coffee and some apple pie but as I sat down at a table near the window, my attention was drawn to an advertisement on the wall for what sounded like [...]
Sign Language / October 14 2007
I have noticed recently that there are some unusual signs and notices in the village, and there is some very weird graffiti, too.
One bright green sign in the Co-op car park says in large white lettering: WHY. Why indeed. The significance of the question eludes me completely.
A notice outside the infants’ school on our street [...]
