Rooftop Protest / April 9 2009
I had decided to give up rooftop protests for Lent, but I am sorry to say my resolve did not hold and here I am about to embark upon yet another.
I’m fed up. After taking a week off to recharge my batteries, I got out of bed this morning – my official back-to-work day – [...]
Spring Break / March 25 2009
‘But you’re all right, aren’t you, father?’
‘Yes, of course I am, Audrey,’ I told my concerned little dog. ‘I’m just ever so slightly a bit exhausted. The doctor says I have been running myself into the ground and need to have a few days off just doing nothing.’
‘Oh,’ she barked, somewhat relieved, and went on [...]
Man Versus Nature: The Path To Victory / March 18 2009
Here’s one for you:
A man and his hairy dog spend the morning walking along the deserted, old colliery railway tracks towards Alfreton, successfully negotiating slippery, almost-vertical inclines, ankle-deep mud, high winds, pelting rain and near-freezing temperatures, only to come upon a lowly council worker sawing a big Elm tree that has fallen across the footpath, [...]
The Luck Of The Irish / February 8 2009
I don’t know if it’s fate, or if my Irish roots are failing me, but I have been having rather a bad run of luck recently.
This morning I broke my favourite mug. It was a big bright Claris Cliff beauty - worth about £100 - that cheers me up every day when I use it [...]
In The Night Garden / December 7 2008
I was supervising Audrey at eleven o’clock last night as she emptied her bowels in the frosty garden when a large head peered over the wall at the bottom near the fuchsias.
‘You look like George Clooney in this light.’ It was Reg.
‘You gave me a fright there, Reginald.’
‘I’ve just walked Maria home. We had a [...]
Misery Guts / November 12 2008
The miserable old Pakistani man behind the counter in the corner shop was this morning in an even gloomier mood than usual. For some odd reason he always calls me Steve.
‘Mr Mishri, I keep telling you, my name’s not Ste – ‘
‘What’s that, Steve?’
‘Never mind.’
I asked him why he looked so despondent.
‘Business is so bad [...]
Quantum of Solace / October 22 2008
Frightening bruiser Kev was in the corner shop on Princess Avenue today when I went in to buy a pint of milk. ‘Come in for your porno mags?’ was his charming question.
‘Ha ha ha! I don’t buy porno mag . . . pornographic magazines.’
‘Oh yes you do.’
The fact that there was a strikingly handsome Asian [...]
Overheard in an English Garden / October 2 2008
I was in the back garden yesterday, and the young man – I use the word ‘man’ but ‘thug’ or ‘imbecile’ would perhaps be more apt – who lives next door was talking, or rather, shouting, to some of his male friends about girls and fashion.
He did not know I was there because a high [...]
Jumbo Skill Crane / June 27 2008
I think bad spelling is depressing. It’s an illustration of failure, like drinking alone. But whereas the latter is always a rather serious affair, the former can often have humorous results.
Passing a small building site at seven o’clock this morning, I felt obliged to point out to Audrey a notice that had been attached to [...]
Bizarre Smart Car Park Remark Lark / June 19 2008
I was tricked by a little old man today when I went into Alfreton to buy guitar strings.
He was a smartly dressed gentleman, balding with an impressive comb-over – a popular hairstyle around the East Midlands, parting his hair just below the armpit. He confronted me as I was getting out of the car. ‘I [...]
