I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost / October 12 2008
When I got back from London yesterday tired and weary, I picked the hairy one up from her grandma’s and drove home in heavy traffic trying hard not to fall asleep at the wheel.
‘I know it’s rather early, Audrey,’ I told her, ‘but I think I’m going to have to go to bed as soon [...]
They Nest / August 17 2008
Too many ants.
I don’t mind one or two about the place, they add a little ornamental detail to the kitchen surfaces, but the current situation was unacceptable.
The man from the council said I have a nest behind the oven. A veritable infestation. Not good.
I do not like killing insects. I cannot douse houseflies in insecticide [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / July 18 2008
No.19
You will refuse to participate in a game of ‘murderball’ during an afternoon PE class taken by your least favourite games teacher-sadist, preferring instead to go home and listen to the new Clash and Sex Pistols albums.
As a punishment, you will receive ten days of after-school detention which you will elect to not attend. The [...]
Sunday Morning Excuses / May 4 2008
Audrey and I keep bumping into Reg and Hercules, his little Jack Russell terrier. I was flabbergasted this morning when he asked me: ‘Didn’t see you in church this morning, Napoleon. Something better to do, eh?’
‘Well . . . I was . . . erm . . .’
‘No excuses, mate. I‘ll see you there next [...]
Morning Glory / January 31 2008
I slept so well last night, for the first time in ages.
I awoke feeling absolutely marvellous and leapt out of bed like a character in a mattress commercial. I had some difficulty putting on my trousers due to the spectacular case of morning glory I was experiencing – a prominence so uncharacteristically proud that I [...]
