Inflation: A Pensioners’ Guide / October 9 2008
I bumped into Reg today and he was not in a good mood.
He explained to me how impending poverty is forcing him, like thousands of other pensioners in the UK, into selling some of his valuable possessions.
He went on to outline in grim resignation how he is considering selling his new drum kit to pay [...]
Cosy Power - In Which Davy Lawrence Finally Loses The Will To Live / August 29 2008
The day I have been dreading for ages has arrived. Reg has been hard at work practicing on his new drum kit and wants to book into the studio to record some ‘hot tracks’.
As Audrey and I were passing his house this morning, he erupted from his front door and pulled us inside. The interior [...]
Hip Hop Pensioner Turns Blue / August 10 2008
‘Reg, I’m sorry if I upset you the other day.’ I felt so bad, I had gone round to my elderly friend’s - the erstwhile alien abductee’s – house to apologise for being so rude to him.
He told me not to worry about it. ‘Anyway, what do you reckon, eh?’
‘What’s that, Reginald?’
‘I’ve bought a drumkit! [...]
Daily Mirror / July 20 2008
I am really growing to hate the mirror in my bathroom.
I stare into it every morning, preparing for my shave, and the things I notice most are the lines around my eyes. I am not very old, but it seems as if my flesh is dying on me. Every day there is another unwelcome wrinkle [...]
TV Model / March 1 2008
I keep forgetting things; it must be my age. Perhaps I’m going through the memorypause.
It completely slipped my mind that everybody’s favourite transvestite pop-punker Nelson Galaxy is now officially a model. I wish I had remembered to tell you this earlier because I am very proud of him for taking this unexpected left turn in [...]
Excessive Moderation / February 14 2008
It isn’t my birthday until tomorrow but I have already had scores of friends on MySpace sending me their best wishes and reminding me that they have a new album out at the moment or a gig in a few weeks time. It’s a jolly good job that they have kindly elected to send me [...]
Uneasy Lies the Crown / November 24 2007
There is a badly written article in the local press today that concerns the local controversy surrounding this summer’s Village Carnival Queen. Apparently she has been dethroned, having lied about her age, pretending to be sixteen when in reality she was three years younger.
She looks considerably older than thirteen in the front-page photograph of her [...]
Smell the Gloves / September 16 2007
Work began in earnest yesterday on the new Enormous album which is provisionally titled Give the Boys a Great Big Hand.
We began the session by recording the backing tracks to That Girl Again and My Type – the latter being a well-loved, classic Enormous song, an earlier version of which appeared on our second album [...]
Rag and Bone / September 9 2007
How quaint! I have just seen something that I thought did not exist any more: a rag-and-bone man trawling the streets around our house. I thought such professions disappeared with the ark.
The last time I saw one of these fellows was about twenty-five years ago when I was just knee-high to a grasshopper and tobacco [...]
Gothic Objects / August 23 2007
I had a purple moment today when I stepped out in front of a car. It did not hit me but I came within a whisker of suffering serious injury. If I had his e-mail address, I would thank God for my fortunate escape.
Luckily, Audrey was not with me. She would have been very angry [...]
