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And Multiply / April 28 2008
There is a boy whose photograph is splashed all over the front page of the local paper today who was viciously attacked by a gang of youths at the weekend. He was so badly beaten, his own reflection didn’t recognise him.
His attackers are typical of hundreds of young males around here: ignorant and intolerant – [...]
A Tail of Two Doggies / April 23 2008
I have just been chatting to Reg. Instead of having to pretend to laugh at his awful gags, we were actually having a serious discussion. We were talking about dogging. (Google it.) According to the local press, the village has a serious dogging problem that is developing relatively unchecked.
The people who take part in this [...]
The Case of the Mysterious Sheaths / April 10 2008
I counted five used condoms on the streets this morning.
I always see some. I’m constantly pulling Audrey along, trying to prevent her from sniffing the unsightly objects. I am quite flummoxed as to what they are all doing there. I’m beginning to suspect that the village is being overrun by legions of over-amorous night-time bonkers. [...]
Gills On Film / April 9 2008
I was accosted by an oddly-dressed, dribbling fat man outside the Salvation Army shop this morning. He began tugging excitedly at my sleeve while pointing at something in the shop window. ‘Lobbilob!’ he exclaimed.
‘Pardon?’
‘Lobbilob!’
‘I’m sorry, I – ‘
‘Lobbilob!’
Why does this kind of thing keep happening to me? In the window was a video of shark [...]
Foolish Parish Polish Polish Controversy / April 4 2008
It was still a little dark at six this morning when Audrey and I veered toward the shops during our early morning walk.
As we neared the market place, I recognised one of the local Polish newcomers sitting on the pavement outside the post office. He had with him a wooden stool and beside him on [...]
CCTV Fever / March 31 2008
‘Have you seen all the bloody cameras springing up all over the village?’ I was asked this morning. ‘Big Brother is watching you,’ he said.
It was Reg, the fellow who is always telling me old jokes – jokes not heard since the days of valve radio. He wasn’t joking this morning, though; he seemed genuinely [...]
The Saliva of Civilisation / March 30 2008
Everybody spits around here; the streets and pavements are covered in luminous green globs of frothy phlegm. At times, the village resembles some kind of Wild West frontier town.
It is a local tradition that every member of the family – even the cats and dogs – devote at least one hour a day to the [...]
Drug Dealer / March 27 2008
‘No hairdye today, Mr Fantastic?’ The disagreeable individual who manages the village chemist shop was shouting after me as I was closing his door. I hate him.
He was trying to embarrass me but it’s something that will never happen.
A middle-aged woman was entering the shop as I was leaving; she let a smile win her [...]
And Candle / March 17 2008
I came across another marvellous find this morning. Scattered on the pavement outside the gates of St Michael’s Church were half a dozen enormous votive candles. The church doors were wide open and the unctuous strains of Mantovani were drifting across the rain-soaked graveyard.
I picked up a couple of the expensive looking waxy objects. ‘These [...]
Bell, Book / March 15 2008
It’s amazing what you can find on the damp streets of an ex-mining village in the Kingdom of Derbyshire at seven-thirty on a Saturday morning. Revealed amongst the litter and detritus of the previous evening’s drunken bumping and brawling can be found many an unexpected item that surprises even a seasoned beachcomber like me.
Hiding in [...]
