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Action Towards / July 9 2008
Audrey loves chasing cats, but has no idea what to do when she manages to catch up with them.
Do all dogs exhibit this kind of behaviour, or do some actually pick up their captured quarry in their drooling jaws and carry it home where it is, perhaps, eaten raw with a few dry biscuits as [...]
Kylie Bombshell / July 4 2008
‘What do you reckon about that Kylie Mine-agog getting the OBE, then, eh?’ I was collared in the street this morning by the moronic fellow from number 16 who loves to share the sound of his car alarm with the neighbourhood. ‘She only got it ‘cos Prince Charles fancies her.’
I humoured him: ‘The whole affair [...]
A Nautical Theme / June 26 2008
Audrey and I passed an old man near the shops this morning who had apparently just fallen over. He was already being helped by several people so I did not feel obliged to stay and offer any assistance myself.
Moving on, towards the post office (I had several letters to post and needed to stock up [...]
Bizarre Smart Car Park Remark Lark / June 19 2008
I was tricked by a little old man today when I went into Alfreton to buy guitar strings.
He was a smartly dressed gentleman, balding with an impressive comb-over – a popular hairstyle around the East Midlands, parting his hair just below the armpit. He confronted me as I was getting out of the car. ‘I [...]
White Dopes on Punk / June 18 2008
Aren’t teenagers great.
Whilst wandering through the park with Audrey yesterday evening, a group of adolescents dressed as a cross between Marilyn Manson and street urchins from Oliver Twist, thought it would be fun to shout abuse at us from the relative safety of the dilapidated bandstand in which they had ensconced themselves to smoke joints, [...]
What’s That Coming Over The Hill? / June 9 2008
Over the past few months, I have received several messages from readers questioning my integrity and asking if my poor, benighted fellow inhabitants of this Derbyshire village really are as unpleasant and disagreeable as I sometimes render them. I have, on more than one occasion, been accused of demonising innocent unfortunates who are doing nothing [...]
A Load of Cobblers / May 29 2008
On our afternoon walk yesterday, I noticed that the BNP office on the High Street has been transformed into a lovely little florist shop called Cobbler’s Flowers.
I was just telling Audrey how delighted I was when Kev the hard-man-fascist-bully-boy-skinhead-twat came out of the betting shop next door vigorously scratching his testicles – either that or [...]
Afternoons With Kylie / May 19 2008
‘I’m sorry, but I really do not want to buy any make-up.’
‘Or perfume?’
‘Or perfume.’
I couldn’t get rid of Kylie, the local representative for a well-known cosmetics company yesterday. She was convinced I had a woman in the house somewhere who might want to buy something from her. She kept looking over my shoulder, trying to [...]
And Multiply / April 28 2008
There is a boy whose photograph is splashed all over the front page of the local paper today who was viciously attacked by a gang of youths at the weekend. He was so badly beaten, his own reflection didn’t recognise him.
His attackers are typical of hundreds of young males around here: ignorant and intolerant – [...]
A Tail of Two Doggies / April 23 2008
I have just been chatting to Reg. Instead of having to pretend to laugh at his awful gags, we were actually having a serious discussion. We were talking about dogging. (Google it.) According to the local press, the village has a serious dogging problem that is developing relatively unchecked.
The people who take part in this [...]
