Presidential Statement / August 27 2008
I bumped into Reg yesterday. He was sitting on the wooden bench outside the health centre eating a black pudding and beetroot sandwich that I guessed he had just purchased from the Asian off-licence. He was reading a copy of The Sun.
‘I don’t know how you can eat that crap,’ I told him. ‘There are […]
All That Glitters / August 24 2008
As I was passing the recycling bins in the car park of the Co-op - that comically provincial supermarket full of half-price frozen fagots-in-gravy and Aunt Bessie’s Traditional Yorkshire Puddings - I spotted Reg, who was emptying bags of what looked like CDs into one of them. ‘Getting rid of all the crap,’ he commented.
‘I […]
Beware of the Flowers / August 18 2008
The Forces of Evil that control the village have gone health-and-safety crazy.
The park that Audrey and I usually stroll around for our morning exercise has been recently fenced-off from the outside world. It is now heavily defended against drunken toddlers or Romany invaders, but today, the big iron gates at the Princess Avenue entrance that […]
North and South / August 15 2008
Dear old Nelson Galaxy is always telling me about the alarming things he often hears coming from the streets around his flat in London, and considering the nature of such a big city, this is something that is not totally unexpected. I have no idea, however, what was happening last night right here in this […]
Evil Beings In Rural England / August 6 2008
After our morning walk today, Audrey and I were just going in the front door when a frighteningly ugly bull terrier escaped from its frighteningly ugly female owner and, teeth bared, launched itself across the road in our direction. Thankfully, we made it safely inside, and I was able to close the door just as […]
A Crow Descending / July 16 2008
After being dive-bombed by an angry crow on the rec’ for ten minutes earlier today, Audrey and I took a different route home, along Landsbury Avenue and past the sewage works on the other side of the village. We regretted it.
Just before we reached the junction with the main road that leads to Mansfield, we […]
Cutting Remarks / July 14 2008
As I was coming out of the Cut Above Barbershop in the market place with Audrey this morning, shocked and embarrassed by my unwelcome reflection in the shop window, my arm was suddenly grasped from behind and I was pulled roughly backwards on to the pavement.
‘Saved you there, boss.’ It was Reg. A woman in […]
Action Towards / July 9 2008
Audrey loves chasing cats, but has no idea what to do when she manages to catch up with them.
Do all dogs exhibit this kind of behaviour, or do some actually pick up their captured quarry in their drooling jaws and carry it home where it is, perhaps, eaten raw with a few dry biscuits as […]
Kylie Bombshell / July 4 2008
‘What do you reckon about that Kylie Mine-agog getting the OBE, then, eh?’ I was collared in the street this morning by the moronic fellow from number 16 who loves to share the sound of his car alarm with the neighbourhood. ‘She only got it ‘cos Prince Charles fancies her.’
I humoured him: ‘The whole affair […]
A Nautical Theme / June 26 2008
Audrey and I passed an old man near the shops this morning who had apparently just fallen over. He was already being helped by several people so I did not feel obliged to stay and offer any assistance myself.
Moving on, towards the post office (I had several letters to post and needed to stock up […]
