Quantum of Solace / October 22 2008
Frightening bruiser Kev was in the corner shop on Princess Avenue today when I went in to buy a pint of milk. ‘Come in for your porno mags?’ was his charming question.
‘Ha ha ha! I don’t buy porno mag . . . pornographic magazines.’
‘Oh yes you do.’
The fact that there was a strikingly handsome Asian [...]
Financial Crisis / October 8 2008
‘How much!? Twenty-six pounds and eighty-four pence!? Are you mentally ill?’
‘Twenty-six eighty-four, please.’
I spent a horrible few moments in the Co-op this morning when, arriving at the checkout, I discovered I had made a substantial miscalculation and did not have enough money to pay for the provisions in my basket.
‘These same items only came to [...]
Another Close Encounter / September 22 2008
“Hello again. Are you . . . Were you all right the other day? You seemed a little . . .”
“Oh, yes. No. Sorry about that; I’m having a few problems at home.”
“Oh, how unfortunate; never mind, I’m sure things will improve. Ha ha ha. Your little spaniel is as crazy as ever.”
“He’s going to [...]
Cutting Remarks / July 14 2008
As I was coming out of the Cut Above Barbershop in the market place with Audrey this morning, shocked and embarrassed by my unwelcome reflection in the shop window, my arm was suddenly grasped from behind and I was pulled roughly backwards on to the pavement.
‘Saved you there, boss.’ It was Reg. A woman in [...]
Sunday Best / May 11 2008
Have you ever pretended you were not in the house when someone was knocking on your door? That’s what Audrey and I were doing at 7:45 this morning when arch joker Reg, fulfilling the promise he made me last week, arrived to accompany me to Sunday Services at St Michael’s Church in the village.
Well, I [...]
See The Idiot Cry / April 18 2008
I am haunted by stupidity.
The moron who lives a few doors down from me delights the residents of our street by allowing his car alarm to go off every hour or so. This has been going on for weeks now; he seems not to care that he is annoying people – especially me – beyond [...]
The Wind and The Crow / April 7 2008
Have you ever been startled by a bird flying into a window?
I was having a quiet mid-morning latte whilst gazing out over the rec’ from the control room, listening to the wind rattling the eaves and watching old people fall over on the snow-covered paths below, when . . . Wham! An enormous black crow [...]
Project Telescope / March 20 2008
‘What do you reckon to this, then?’ I bumped into joker Reg this morning and he thrust a huge brass telescope into my hands. ‘I’ve been saving up for it for ages,’ he said proudly.
‘That’s one fine-looking telescope, Reg,’ I told him as I dropped his precious acquisition on to the pavement. ‘Oh my god, [...]
Water Torture / February 24 2008
My cousin was having a birthday party for her fiver-year-old son at the swimming baths in Mansfield yesterday and I had been cajoled into going along and joining in the ‘fun’.
I tried to get out of it. ‘I hate swimming. I can’t swim. And anyway I can’t go because I’ve got to iron my socks [...]
