The Boy From Mars / October 5 2008
I was dreaming last night that I was travelling across America in a flying saucer.
I was taking a break in a bar in the middle of nowhere when Heather Locklear wandered in and headed straight towards me. She looked tired and was obviously quite drunk. ‘Hey, you’re the Boy From Mars, aren’t you? Can you [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / October 3 2008
No.24
Often, when you dream at night, you will discover you possess something extraordinary; something you didn’t realize you had.
This is what it is: grace.
Nocturnal Body Oddity / September 27 2008
Last night I dreamed my eyes had moved closer together. This upset me so much I had to avoid looking in the mirror while I was shaving, and now my lips are covered in razor cuts.
A few weeks ago one of my hands fell off in a dream; and during the spring I had a [...]
Too Much To Dream / August 3 2008
I had too much to dream again last night.
At one point, I was scampering around a meadow playing tig with a herd of cows. The enormous black and white beasts that produce double cream were easy to catch and I had no problem tigging them as they drunkenly lumbered about their field. Their light-footed and [...]
David Duchovny Ate My Hamster / July 31 2008
We are supposed to enjoy something of a temperate climate here in the UK but it is becoming more and more extreme.
It is so cold around here in the winter that rainbows freeze to the ground; poor kids chip off pieces of their favourite colours for a Christmas treat and lick them until they’re white. [...]
The Dark Intruder / July 23 2008
I had a terrible nightmare last night. I thought that someone was in my room.
I was dreaming that a man was standing in silence at the foot of my bed and that he was there to do me harm. ‘Wurhurrrr! Audrey!’ I called for my little dog, but she was hiding under the bed and [...]
Eye Can See Clearly Now / May 14 2008
I awoke with a jolt this morning at 5am in worried-sheep mode, full of anxiety. I feared one of my big, black waves of depression was about to engulf me. I read some John Donne before going to sleep last night (yes, I read metaphysical poetry – try not to faint) to prevent just this [...]
I Dream of Jenni / April 25 2008
It’s happening again.
I keep dreaming of pretty, blonde TV presenters. Last night it was Jenni Falconer’s turn to pay me a visit. The whole thing is rather unsettling because I usually prefer brunettes when it comes to attractive women. I think my subconscious is probably trying to tell me something.
But, oh boy, was I having [...]
Angelina versus Jennifer / March 8 2008
I dreamed last night that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Anniston were fighting over me. They were really going for it. There was lots of hair-pulling, face-scratching and even a few karate chops and well-aimed heavy punches. It was great.
It then got even better when Sophia Loren from 1960 suddenly appeared and stepped into the fray. [...]
Stereo-untypical / January 19 2008
I had a cancellation in the studio for Saturday so I decided last night to put my feet up and get drunk.
I made myself a hearty meal of pasta and vegetables, placed a bottle of red wine on the table in front of me and turned on the television. I was watching an interesting documentary [...]
