Romano Di Natale / January 4 2009
‘Hey, Reg, had a nice Christmas? What did Santa Claus bring you?’
Audrey immediately pounced on Hercules, my elderly friend’s tiny little Jack Russel, and proceeded to demonstrate to him how fast real dogs can run, as Reg began reeling off a long list: ‘Fondue set from my sister in Chester; sock and handkerchiefs from another [...]
Yule Be Seeing Me / December 19 2008
It’s Christmas!
See you in two weeks; I’m having a break. I’m going to indulge myself with the finest wines and Belgian chocolate and dozens of sexy gorgeous women.
Yeah, right. (Well, you never know: there are other dimensions - Christmas Fantasy Ed.)
I’ll probably be sat in the Villager pub with Nelson trying to ignore the toothless [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / December 14 2008
No.30
You will go to a Christmas party and wake up at 6am on someone’s sofa next to a girl who looks like she wrestles bulls for a living.
You will say something outrageous like: ‘I’m sorry.’
Citizen Canine / December 10 2008
I was listening to BBC Radio 4 this morning and some obliging person was suggesting ideas for unusual Christmas presents to give your nearest and dearest this year.
One was the gift of a Certificate of UK Citizenship for the family pet – some spurious document that would make little Tiddles or Fido feel comfortable in [...]
Christmas Is Coming / December 3 2008
Once again the festive season is nearly upon us one and all. Hurrah!
I will have my bottle of sherry, Audrey her special chews made from cows’ eyes and Nelson will be here, ostensibly to do some recording in the studio, but mostly for his annual yuletide drunkening with his big brother.
I have threatened to try [...]
Moron Replacement Therapy / November 6 2008
I’m feeling murderous.
I have a surgically sharp set of knives in the kitchen. Their very presence makes me want to use them.
People around here are really getting on my nerves at the moment. It isn’t their fault, of course; you can’t blame them for being born complete and utter arseholes.
I wish the relevant authorities would [...]
A First / January 7 2008
I discovered in the studio and elsewhere around the house this morning several unfinished bottles of wine and a half-full bottle of Courvoisier brandy – part of the detritus of Nelson’s Christmas visit.
I had a sort of out-of-body experience as I floated to the kitchen ceiling and watched myself pour the contents down the sink. [...]
Trimmings / December 21 2007
The man on the cheese counter in the Co-op earlier this morning was for some inexplicable reason dressed as a Viking.
‘Didn’t they have any Santa outfits left?’ I asked him while ordering my Christmas Stilton and Camembert.
‘I’m a Viking,’ he hissed, ‘and I can’t wait to get out of this frightful outfit, darling’ – I [...]
Double Glazing / December 20 2007
Audrey and I put Hamilton on the train to Manchester this morning. He spent more than an hour on the telephone to his agent after breakfast and has managed to borrow a modest flat in the city for a few months. He even has some voice-over work lined up.
He also dug deep and managed to [...]
Whisky Echo / December 19 2007
The bottle of whisky that Scottish Brian gave me a few weeks ago was polished off last night. Surprisingly, I do not have a hangover at all. I do, however, have a bad case of indigestion – whisky always does that to me, especially Jack Daniels. As I was walking Audrey this morning, I was [...]
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