Valve Compressors and Angry Bees / August 28 2008
What the hell is happening in the control-room?
Insects and other creepy-crawlies love it in there: spiders, earwigs, flies, beetles, even Audrey – who is, of course, not an insect – has chosen an area under the mixing desk as her favourite sleeping-place in the whole house. And whenever anyone comes to visit, they always gravitate […]
Beware of the Flowers / August 18 2008
The Forces of Evil that control the village have gone health-and-safety crazy.
The park that Audrey and I usually stroll around for our morning exercise has been recently fenced-off from the outside world. It is now heavily defended against drunken toddlers or Romany invaders, but today, the big iron gates at the Princess Avenue entrance that […]
North and South / August 15 2008
Dear old Nelson Galaxy is always telling me about the alarming things he often hears coming from the streets around his flat in London, and considering the nature of such a big city, this is something that is not totally unexpected. I have no idea, however, what was happening last night right here in this […]
Too Much To Dream / August 3 2008
I had too much to dream again last night.
At one point, I was scampering around a meadow playing tig with a herd of cows. The enormous black and white beasts that produce double cream were easy to catch and I had no problem tigging them as they drunkenly lumbered about their field. Their light-footed and […]
David Duchovny Ate My Hamster / July 31 2008
We are supposed to enjoy something of a temperate climate here in the UK but it is becoming more and more extreme.
It is so cold around here in the winter that rainbows freeze to the ground; poor kids chip off pieces of their favourite colours for a Christmas treat and lick them until they’re white. […]
Lead In My Pencil / July 27 2008
I had some oysters yesterday. Fresh and big and full of the taste of the sea.
My actor friend Hamilton Bentley paid Audrey and me a visit. He came to boast about his part as an extra in the new British film Donkey Punch. He recounted how he had asked the director for a line and […]
Action Towards / July 9 2008
Audrey loves chasing cats, but has no idea what to do when she manages to catch up with them.
Do all dogs exhibit this kind of behaviour, or do some actually pick up their captured quarry in their drooling jaws and carry it home where it is, perhaps, eaten raw with a few dry biscuits as […]
Party Fears Two / July 2 2008
There were more celebrations somewhere on the other side of the rec’ last night. Audrey and I hate it when there is a house party nearby.
We do not enjoy the shouting, the horrible thumping music, or the inevitable screaming and brawling in the early hours that round these occasions off.
All of that pales into insignificance, […]
A Nautical Theme / June 26 2008
Audrey and I passed an old man near the shops this morning who had apparently just fallen over. He was already being helped by several people so I did not feel obliged to stay and offer any assistance myself.
Moving on, towards the post office (I had several letters to post and needed to stock up […]
Are You Unexperienced? / June 11 2008
A photocopied leaflet was pushed through the letterbox earlier today which informed the reader: Wanted! Unexperienced person who are proffesionel 2 work for local company delivering leaflet’s door 2 door. Experience not nessasery as training will be given. Good rate’s of pay. Salery negotiated. Call ring or telephone 693214. You’re reprisentitive is, KAREN.
I was sorely […]
