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Jessica Alba Having It Large / May 23 2008
Another mysterious email – this one from someone called David Domino (who are these people?) – landed in my inbox this morning. The subject line declared: Jessica Alba Loves It Huge. Again, I did not read the body of the message; I am becoming far too paranoid. I deleted it immediately and then decontaminated my [...]
Morning Has Broken Again / May 21 2008
Audrey and I passed a group of schoolgirls this morning who were arguing about who was better, the Spice Girls or the Pussycat Dolls.
They were competing with each other, playing scratchy, little mp3s of either artist on their mobile phones – a quiet but intensely annoying, high-pitched cacophony. It spoilt what was up till then [...]
Unlucky Heather / May 15 2008
Travellers should be banned.
A large Romany-looking woman with a black shawl and an armful of purple heather quickly veered in my direction as I was leaving the chemist’s this morning. I tried my very best to avoid her but to no avail. She zoomed in front of me with supernatural nimbleness and pushed a sprig [...]
The Napoleonic Wars (Part I) / May 5 2008
I was already in angry bear mode when I woke up this morning but the fact that my next-door-neighbour keeps throwing his empty cans of Foster’s lager on to my back garden made me feel even worse.
I took a moment to gird my loins and stormed round there. I banged on his door ready to [...]
See The Idiot Cry / April 18 2008
I am haunted by stupidity.
The moron who lives a few doors down from me delights the residents of our street by allowing his car alarm to go off every hour or so. This has been going on for weeks now; he seems not to care that he is annoying people – especially me – beyond [...]
Traci Lords Will Eat Me / April 17 2008
I’m terrified. I have just had an email from someone called Randy Kilroy the subject of which declares: ‘Traci Lords Will Eat You’.
Not a very auspicious start to the day. I am already paranoid enough as it is and now some complete stranger is apparently going to devour me. I shall make sure all the [...]
Wait Watchers / April 14 2008
I had to catch a bus into Alfreton this morning and found myself waiting for about ninety minutes before I eventually got on one. I was so happy, I felt like bursting into song.
What annoyed me more than the actual waiting-time was the fact that I was being watched by two obese women with greasy [...]
Drug Dealer / March 27 2008
‘No hairdye today, Mr Fantastic?’ The disagreeable individual who manages the village chemist shop was shouting after me as I was closing his door. I hate him.
He was trying to embarrass me but it’s something that will never happen.
A middle-aged woman was entering the shop as I was leaving; she let a smile win her [...]
Sticky Eruption / March 13 2008
I was mugged this morning by one of the plucky eco-protestors who are trying to save Pinxton Tar Pits from commercial redevelopment.
‘I hate doing this . . .’
‘Don’t do it, then,’ I interrupted.
‘. . . but could you spare some cash?’ he asked rather sheepishly. ‘I ain’t eaten since yesterday.’
I blinked. ‘Neither have I. It’s [...]
Acid Flashback / February 17 2008
Thank goodness for vandals.
If it wasn’t for the group of teenage hooligans who had set fire to some old car batteries on the rec’ yesterday, Audrey and I would not have been pleasantly warmed on our frosty evening stroll by the impressive bonfire they had so thoughtfully created.
I do so love those naughty boys.
I had [...]
