Beware of the Flowers / August 18 2008
The Forces of Evil that control the village have gone health-and-safety crazy.
The park that Audrey and I usually stroll around for our morning exercise has been recently fenced-off from the outside world. It is now heavily defended against drunken toddlers or Romany invaders, but today, the big iron gates at the Princess Avenue entrance that […]
Meanwhile, Back at the Ponderosa / August 14 2008
I should have known it was going to be one of those days. This morning began very poorly.
I received bad news in an email first thing which depressed me; then, in attempting to pick up the freshly excreted contents of Audrey’s bowels on the rec’, the poo-bag broke and I got the stuff all over […]
O, Jehovah! / August 13 2008
‘Your arms are too short.’
‘What? Look, I don’t have time to listen to your bizarre suppositions. I have an eight-thirty, and before that I have to walk my dog and take a shower – not at the same time, obviously.’
‘You would be so welcome at our next meeting.’
‘Could I bring my dog?’
‘Certainly not. Jehovah’s Witnesses […]
Evil Beings In Rural England / August 6 2008
After our morning walk today, Audrey and I were just going in the front door when a frighteningly ugly bull terrier escaped from its frighteningly ugly female owner and, teeth bared, launched itself across the road in our direction. Thankfully, we made it safely inside, and I was able to close the door just as […]
Daily Mirror / July 20 2008
I am really growing to hate the mirror in my bathroom.
I stare into it every morning, preparing for my shave, and the things I notice most are the lines around my eyes. I am not very old, but it seems as if my flesh is dying on me. Every day there is another unwelcome wrinkle […]
Party Fears Two / July 2 2008
There were more celebrations somewhere on the other side of the rec’ last night. Audrey and I hate it when there is a house party nearby.
We do not enjoy the shouting, the horrible thumping music, or the inevitable screaming and brawling in the early hours that round these occasions off.
All of that pales into insignificance, […]
Duke of Earl / June 4 2008
Aren’t men weird?
I think they are, and my opinion was reinforced this morning in the Co-op when I was accosted by a rather peculiar fellow wearing a yellow lycra cat-suit - he looked like one of the Spice Girls on her day off. The effect was enhanced by a curious wet patch above his crotch. […]
She Won’t Laugh At You Anymore / May 25 2008
I wouldn’t bet on it.
Jessica Alba Having It Large / May 23 2008
Another mysterious email – this one from someone called David Domino (who are these people?) – landed in my inbox this morning. The subject line declared: Jessica Alba Loves It Huge. Again, I did not read the body of the message; I am becoming far too paranoid. I deleted it immediately and then decontaminated my […]
Morning Has Broken Again / May 21 2008
Audrey and I passed a group of schoolgirls this morning who were arguing about who was better, the Spice Girls or the Pussycat Dolls.
They were competing with each other, playing scratchy, little mp3s of either artist on their mobile phones – a quiet but intensely annoying, high-pitched cacophony. It spoilt what was up till then […]
