Bass Bummer / June 28 2009
Gilo, the Enormous bass player, has just handed in his cards to go play with a tribute band.
We wish him all the luck in the world but it does leave us with some gigs in the diary, an album to finish and no bass player.
If you are, or know of, a good bassist – think [...]
Agony Uncle / June 25 2009
‘Why the long face, Davy?’
‘Oh, good morning, Reg.’
‘Don’t tell me, you went out in the village with young Nelson over the weekend, got drunk, got some bird pregnant; got a heart full of regrets and a head full of hangover. I’m right, aren’t I? Tell me I’m not wrong.’
‘You’re not wrong. I mean you are [...]
Crack / June 21 2009
Ouch! Gardening should be banned. My back has gone all funny.
This is what my back keeps telling my mouth to say every time I try to sit down or stand up - two things I do quite frequently throughout the day: ‘Good Lord!’ (Actually, those are not the exact words.)
There I was yesterday, vigorously employing [...]
Twit / June 15 2009
Follow me on Twitter. It’s a hoot. Sorry, tweet.
(Sings) ‘I will follow you if you follow me.’ Who was that? I hope it wasn’t Genesis. It wasn’t Genesis, was it? Genesis were officially a bit crap- especially after Gabriel left. Probably still are.
Barbeque Bastards / June 13 2009
Thank goodness for the benighted legions of lower-class families that surround me.
If it were not for them in general, and my cerebrally-challenged next-door neighbour in particular, I would not have such a robust system for making my Ben Sherman shirts smell like incinerated cow shit whenever I wash them and hang them outside to dry [...]
The Other Egghead / June 11 2009
‘Oi, Lawrence! You’re clever. Come here. Want to ask you something.’
‘Oh, hi, Reg. What’s up?’
‘The Eggheads, our pub quiz team, have just lost a member due to missus problems. Fancy joining? Thursday nights, sink a few pints.’
‘Sorry, Reg, I’m really not - ‘
‘You know loads of . . . stuff. Probably. The first prize is [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / June 7 2009
No.42:
You will, beyond your wildest expectations, manage to get a date with Sally, the sexy new girl in class.
You will be bowled over by her. Sitting close to her in the Rose and Crown, you will cup her delicate chin in your hands and say: ‘I think I am falling in love with you.’
Arriving at [...]
Considering Mister Shooter / June 3 2009
‘Well, as I keep telling you, it’s very inconvenient and annoying, to say the least. Please make sure it doesn’t happen again. Thank you.’
That was me on the telephone this morning speaking to a nice woman called Velma at the local Post Office depot.
Velma is the latest in a long lone of Post Office employees [...]
Fake-Tan Baaad-Ass Man / June 1 2009
I was accosted at the door this morning by a traveling rapper.
‘I is sellin’ fake tans, innit.’
I just couldn’t believe my eyes. An team of ugly white teenagers with bags full of fake tan products were going door-to-door selling their wares.
My one was wearing baggy, white Bench jeans, an NY top and cap, and enough [...]
