What Goes Around / February 26 2009
‘Stop that, Keanu! That’s not what noses are for. Now, gerroff ‘ome to yer dad!’
After Audrey and I had negotiated our way around the mothers and mephitic children and various other odious morons blocking the pavement outside the Brigg School for Filthy Infants yesterday afternoon, we bumped into Reg on the park – and he [...]
Teenage Kicks / February 23 2009
I’d like to congratulate the thoughtful teenage tearaways who wandered down our street on Friday evening pouring paintstripper on parked cars.
Thanks, guys; without your considerate actions my neighbours would have nothing to talk about all day - and I would not have had the opportunity to be questioned for thirty minutes by a twelve-year-old policeman [...]
Birthday Zombies / February 20 2009
To everyone who wished me a happy birthday recently: thank you, I didn’t know you cared.
In case you were wondering, I spent the day with Audrey, trying not to do any work, eating pizza and drinking beer.
During the afternoon I watched a couple of zombie movies that Nelson recommended to me. (Mr Galaxy even blogged [...]
England People Very Naughty / February 18 2009
I was in the newsagent’s this morning buying milk and Mrs Mishri was berating me for not paying my bills.
‘You owe us for six months of Daily Mails, Steve. Dearie, dearie me, I’m not a charity you know.’
‘But as I have told you and your husband before,’ – he was looking very sheepish behind the [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / February 15 2009
No.34:
You will cause a commotion.
Morning Starr / February 12 2009
Sonny Starr, punk drummer extraordinaire, has just paid the studio an early morning visit. Once again, he came to ask me for some advice.
‘I’ve given up playing the drums, I’ve given up punk,’ he paused for effect, ‘and, you’re not gonna believe this, but . . . I’ve formed a synthesizer trio.’
‘That’s totally amazing, Sonny,’ [...]
The Luck Of The Irish / February 8 2009
I don’t know if it’s fate, or if my Irish roots are failing me, but I have been having rather a bad run of luck recently.
This morning I broke my favourite mug. It was a big bright Claris Cliff beauty - worth about £100 - that cheers me up every day when I use it [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / February 6 2009
No.33:
You will fall in love with someone you shouldn’t’ve.
Gay Abandon / February 4 2009
So it finally happened: Nelson Galaxy slept with a man.
I must say, it is rather exciting to have such a sexually emancipated character in the family, but I think he is feeling rather awkward about it now.
For Nelson, waking up with a hairy man in your bed is definitely an idea conceived in the abstract [...]
That Anti-Cupid Touch / February 2 2009
I’m in serious trouble with Reg. He collared me outside the supermarket this morning.
‘Maria has fallen out with me - I knew she would.’
‘So you took my advice, then?’
‘Yes, and it’s the last time I ever will.’
‘She’ll come round, Reg - you know what women are like.’
I added: ‘She obviously thought it wasn’t a good [...]
