Red Spaniels and Musclemen / September 29 2008
‘Good morning. Lovely day isn’t it.’
Damn, I thought. Damn! Damn! Damn!
When Audrey and I passed the frisky red spaniel this morning he was accompanied by an incredibly huge and rather frightening young man with a cleft chin and slicked-back hair. As they passed by I was tempted to form the immediate assumption that the proliferation [...]
Day/Off / September 28 2008
I tried to take a day off yesterday but ended up being busier than usual.
The thing is, I cannot actually remember doing anything terribly useful; nor can I report that I achieved anything even remotely significant throughout the entire day – despite the fact that I was constantly occupied. My days of rest always seem [...]
Nocturnal Body Oddity / September 27 2008
Last night I dreamed my eyes had moved closer together. This upset me so much I had to avoid looking in the mirror while I was shaving, and now my lips are covered in razor cuts.
A few weeks ago one of my hands fell off in a dream; and during the spring I had a [...]
Lisa’s Online / September 26 2008
I have always wanted – for some unfathomable reason known only to my subconscious mind – to write a pop song that was under a minute long. I have achieved this task to my satisfaction with brand new composition Moaning Lisa.
I have just done a quick recording of it in the studio and I’m so [...]
How The Grouch Stole Thursday / September 25 2008
Ouch! I hate oversleeping in the mornings but that’s exactly what happened today.
Audrey usually wakes me with a gentle nudge at 6am, but she too was fast asleep this morning for some reason until eight o’clock. I cannot afford to get up late; there is so much to do.
And now I am in such a [...]
I Resign / September 23 2008
I really do not know whether to talk to the beautiful girl with the red spaniel again.
On the two occasions I have tried to strike up a conversation with her I turned into a slobbering numbskull, embarrassing myself and frightening her in the process.
It was even worse yesterday when, sensing rejection, Audrey took the initiative [...]
Another Close Encounter / September 22 2008
“Hello again. Are you . . . Were you all right the other day? You seemed a little . . .”
“Oh, yes. No. Sorry about that; I’m having a few problems at home.”
“Oh, how unfortunate; never mind, I’m sure things will improve. Ha ha ha. Your little spaniel is as crazy as ever.”
“He’s going to [...]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / September 21 2008
No.23
You will argue with your girlfriend’s strikingly handsome older sister about women’s rights in general and about abortion in particular. At the end of the conversation your doubtful tone will resolve itself into tetchy certainty. You will say things you will come to regret.
Later, with the clarity of reflection, you will realize, though never admit, [...]
Close Encounter / September 19 2008
‘Very pleased to meet you. Audrey and I have seen you a few times with your lively young spaniel. He’s very red. I like red – it’s my favourite colour. Actually, I have no idea why I said that; blue is my favourite colour. Or purple. Blue and purple. Red is a very nice colour, [...]
Moaning Lisa / September 18 2008
I hate to moan, but . . .
About seven days after Nelson leaves me and Audrey behind to return to his luxury penthouse flat in London, I always get a little down – which is unusual for me.
Apart from when I have a hangover – when my cast-iron defences begin to crumble and fail – [...]
