David Duchovny Ate My Hamster / July 31 2008
We are supposed to enjoy something of a temperate climate here in the UK but it is becoming more and more extreme.
It is so cold around here in the winter that rainbows freeze to the ground; poor kids chip off pieces of their favourite colours for a Christmas treat and lick them until they’re white. […]
He Wants To Believe More / July 30 2008
Septuagenarian arch joker and conspiracy theorist Reg has been telling me more about the alien spacecraft he is convinced made a crash landing recently in the Derbyshire hills just outside of Blackwell. I bumped into him yesterday as he was jumping off the Alfreton bus.
‘Hey, Davy, look at this what I’ve just bought!’ His voice […]
Seafood Blues / July 28 2008
I am never eating oysters again.
The snot-like little slimy beasts I had on Saturday were lovely going down, but not so great coming back up. I don’t believe they were off, but they definitely did not agree with my constitution. Audrey, wise little dog that she is, did the right thing by refusing them.
I have […]
Lead In My Pencil / July 27 2008
I had some oysters yesterday. Fresh and big and full of the taste of the sea.
My actor friend Hamilton Bentley paid Audrey and me a visit. He came to boast about his part as an extra in the new British film Donkey Punch. He recounted how he had asked the director for a line and […]
Netting the Evil Pirates / July 25 2008
In a long-overdue move, several of the Uk’s biggest net providers – among them British Telecom, Virgin Media, Orange, Tiscali, BSkyB and Carphone Warehouse - have signed up to a deal proposed by the UK government and the music industry to help tackle piracy online.
Hundreds of thousands of letters will be sent to net users […]
He Wants To Believe / July 24 2008
There was a knock on the door half an hour ago. Standing there was Reg, breathless and sweating profusely. His tiny Jack Russell was trying to urinate on every vertical surface within three feet of my front door.
‘Here, I’ve come to show you this again. Amazing, eh?’ He thrust an object into my hands whose […]
The Dark Intruder / July 23 2008
I had a terrible nightmare last night. I thought that someone was in my room.
I was dreaming that a man was standing in silence at the foot of my bed and that he was there to do me harm. ‘Wurhurrrr! Audrey!’ I called for my little dog, but she was hiding under the bed and […]
More Secrets and Pies / July 21 2008
Reg collared me again today. He was coming out of the Blockbuster store on the High Street with an arm full of DVDs. ‘What do you reckon?’ he asked.
‘What’s that, Reginald?’
‘I said to the bloke in there,’ he pointed behind him, into the shop, ‘Can I have Batman Forever?’
‘Oh, yes?’
‘Do you know what he told […]
Daily Mirror / July 20 2008
I am really growing to hate the mirror in my bathroom.
I stare into it every morning, preparing for my shave, and the things I notice most are the lines around my eyes. I am not very old, but it seems as if my flesh is dying on me. Every day there is another unwelcome wrinkle […]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / July 18 2008
No.19
You will refuse to participate in a game of ‘murderball’ during an afternoon PE class taken by your least favourite games teacher-sadist, preferring instead to go home and listen to the new Clash and Sex Pistols albums.
As a punishment, you will receive ten days of after-school detention which you will elect to not attend. The […]
