A Load of Cobblers / May 29 2008
On our afternoon walk yesterday, I noticed that the BNP office on the High Street has been transformed into a lovely little florist shop called Cobbler’s Flowers.
I was just telling Audrey how delighted I was when Kev the hard-man-fascist-bully-boy-skinhead-twat came out of the betting shop next door vigorously scratching his testicles – either that or […]
Bad Fat Cab Man / May 28 2008
I’m not usually one to incite hatred or advocate any kind of physical violence but I’m making an exception today.
If you happen to be in an ex-mining village on the Derbyshire/Nottinghamshire border and you see a fat, balding cab driver who looks like the missing link in evolution in a car belonging to Amber Taxis, […]
Big Gig / May 26 2008
ENORMOUS are playing at the Old Library Theatre in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK on Saturday 21st June. It is billed as a ‘chilled acoustic evening’ – well, we’ll see about that!
The show will be a little odd for us as we’ll be doing it without a bass-player and without any trousers. But worry ye not because […]
She Won’t Laugh At You Anymore / May 25 2008
I wouldn’t bet on it.
Episode 5 / May 24 2008
‘Another beautifully crafted bundle of acoustic joy,’ - that’s what Ashley Morgan says over on the Big Arena Records website about my fifth podcast in this lead up to the release of the Enormous album Electric Baby Grand.
I’m flattered, and I’m certainly not going to argue with a man of such discerning taste.
This week, […]
Jessica Alba Having It Large / May 23 2008
Another mysterious email – this one from someone called David Domino (who are these people?) – landed in my inbox this morning. The subject line declared: Jessica Alba Loves It Huge. Again, I did not read the body of the message; I am becoming far too paranoid. I deleted it immediately and then decontaminated my […]
Crap Excuses and Guilty Consciences / May 22 2008
I had to turn down an invitation to someone’s 40th birthday bash yesterday. I wasn’t in the mood for a party and anyway, I was far too busy. I don’t think I’ll ever be going to heaven, though. I made a crap excuse and got found out. (Something about being hyperglycaemic and having to avoid […]
Morning Has Broken Again / May 21 2008
Audrey and I passed a group of schoolgirls this morning who were arguing about who was better, the Spice Girls or the Pussycat Dolls.
They were competing with each other, playing scratchy, little mp3s of either artist on their mobile phones – a quiet but intensely annoying, high-pitched cacophony. It spoilt what was up till then […]
Afternoons With Kylie / May 19 2008
‘I’m sorry, but I really do not want to buy any make-up.’
‘Or perfume?’
‘Or perfume.’
I couldn’t get rid of Kylie, the local representative for a well-known cosmetics company yesterday. She was convinced I had a woman in the house somewhere who might want to buy something from her. She kept looking over my shoulder, trying to […]
Britney Calling / May 18 2008
A young woman has just pushed a catalogue from a local cosmetics company through my letterbox. (No, it didn’t hurt.)
To accompany the glossy brochure, she has supplied a note upon which she has written in a childish hand: ‘Hello Im Kylie I will be call back for your order later today look like Britney Spears!!!!!’ […]
