See The Idiot Cry / April 18 2008
I am haunted by stupidity.
The moron who lives a few doors down from me delights the residents of our street by allowing his car alarm to go off every hour or so. This has been going on for weeks now; he seems not to care that he is annoying people – especially me – beyond normal limits. In fact, he actually seems to be rather proud of his nuisance car and its dysfunctional protection system. Worst of all, for the past few days, he has been parking his ugly Volvo directly outside my house.
‘This has got to stop,’ I told him. ‘Today.’
His reaction? He tucked a smile into his beard and said under his malty breath: ‘It’s a laugh, innit.’
I tried to explain to him that no one is finding the situation even remotely funny. I told him how close I am to smashing his car’s windscreen or smashing him in his teeth. This made him roar with laughter – so much so, in fact, that tears began streaming down his cheeks. He had assumed my threat to be an idle one or that I was perhaps joking with him.
Time stood still for me at that point. All I could hear was my heart beating like a piston-engine inside my chest and Audrey panting softly at my feet. It took all my strength not to physically attack him, not to kick him in his tiny testicles. This is what I told him: ‘You’ll be hearing from my solicitor.’
When I was sitting in front of the TV with a hot cup of tea a few minutes later, trying to calm down, I realised how ridiculous I must have sounded. I wept.
Now I feel even worse: angry, ashamed, embarrassed, pathetic and feeble.
Car alarms should be banned.
Filed under Annoyances / Complaining / Embarrassment / Englishness / Idiots / Murder / Neighbours from Hell / Technology
Comments
6 comments on “See The Idiot Cry”
Nelson Galaxy / April 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Any alarm should be banned. I have been kept awake for weeks now due to a shop alarm going all night long. What can we do? The police aren’t interested and the culprits think it’s funny. That is why the select few of us should be allowed firearms. That’ll show em. Oh, and don’t cry, ya big baby. Revenge, not tears.
Napoleon Fantastic / April 18th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Nelson,
Never was a truer word spoken in jest, old chum.
Charlotte / April 18th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Napoleon, Nelson, deep breaths, deep breaths, no firearms please. The pen is mightier than the sword. Stab ‘em in the back with a fountain pen.
Napoleon Fantastic / April 19th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
STAB! STAB! STAB!
Jo Beaufoix / April 21st, 2008 at 12:52 am
You could always send him a ‘Please desist from allowing your evil alarm to disturb my peace’ card. I bet you could get one from the post office.
Napoleon Fantastic / April 21st, 2008 at 4:23 pm
They sell everything at the post office, don’t you know.
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