Telling Teenage Fortunes / April 30 2008
No.16
You will be arrested for receiving stolen goods. The arresting officer will ask you who it is that has a Saturday job in the electrical department of Woolworths that sold to you the expensive Sony radio cassette player for £5. You will refuse to ever tell him. The arresting officer will grab you by your […]
And Multiply / April 28 2008
There is a boy whose photograph is splashed all over the front page of the local paper today who was viciously attacked by a gang of youths at the weekend. He was so badly beaten, his own reflection didn’t recognise him.
His attackers are typical of hundreds of young males around here: ignorant and intolerant – […]
Podcast / April 27 2008
Big Arena Records are planning a launch party in ten weeks time to celebrate the label’s first official release, Electric Baby Grand, the first Enormous album. The album has been remastered and repackaged and we all think it’s a punky little gem.
They have asked me to do a short podcast each week leading up to […]
I Dream of Jenni / April 25 2008
It’s happening again.
I keep dreaming of pretty, blonde TV presenters. Last night it was Jenni Falconer’s turn to pay me a visit. The whole thing is rather unsettling because I usually prefer brunettes when it comes to attractive women. I think my subconscious is probably trying to tell me something.
But, oh boy, was I having […]
Teachers on Strike / April 24 2008
Audrey and I passed a small group of teachers with placards outside the Brigg Junior School this morning. They are striking for a better pay deal.
They had a very catchy chant: ‘What do we want?’ ‘More money!’ ‘When do we want it?’ ‘NOW!’ If you ask me, that is a very reasonable demand and one […]
A Tail of Two Doggies / April 23 2008
I have just been chatting to Reg. Instead of having to pretend to laugh at his awful gags, we were actually having a serious discussion. We were talking about dogging. (Google it.) According to the local press, the village has a serious dogging problem that is developing relatively unchecked.
The people who take part in this […]
Be Fruitful / April 21 2008
Five blueberry smoothies – that’s the best way of curing a hangover; the best one I have so far discovered, anyway. Add a little vodka to each one and within twenty minutes you’ll be feeling marvellous.
I tried working in the studio, playing guitar on some of the new Nelson Galaxy stuff, but I could not […]
Blog Off / April 20 2008
No post today, I am trying not to think.
Hamilton Bentley, my actor friend, paid me a visit last night in his new car – a twenty-year-old Lada that had so many rattles, it sounded like he was delivering a drum kit – and made me get drunk with him.
‘You should see your face,’ he told […]
See The Idiot Cry / April 18 2008
I am haunted by stupidity.
The moron who lives a few doors down from me delights the residents of our street by allowing his car alarm to go off every hour or so. This has been going on for weeks now; he seems not to care that he is annoying people – especially me – beyond […]
Traci Lords Will Eat Me / April 17 2008
I’m terrified. I have just had an email from someone called Randy Kilroy the subject of which declares: ‘Traci Lords Will Eat You’.
Not a very auspicious start to the day. I am already paranoid enough as it is and now some complete stranger is apparently going to devour me. I shall make sure all the […]
