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And Candle / March 17 2008
I came across another marvellous find this morning. Scattered on the pavement outside the gates of St Michael’s Church were half a dozen enormous votive candles. The church doors were wide open and the unctuous strains of Mantovani were drifting across the rain-soaked graveyard.
I picked up a couple of the expensive looking waxy objects. ‘These [...]
Bell, Book / March 15 2008
It’s amazing what you can find on the damp streets of an ex-mining village in the Kingdom of Derbyshire at seven-thirty on a Saturday morning. Revealed amongst the litter and detritus of the previous evening’s drunken bumping and brawling can be found many an unexpected item that surprises even a seasoned beachcomber like me.
Hiding in [...]
This Boy’s Knife / March 14 2008
I think I’m going to start carrying a knife around with me; everybody else seems to be doing it, according to the daily high-pitched news bulletins.
It’s a big one, too – a real Davy.
Sticky Eruption / March 13 2008
I was mugged this morning by one of the plucky eco-protestors who are trying to save Pinxton Tar Pits from commercial redevelopment.
‘I hate doing this . . .’
‘Don’t do it, then,’ I interrupted.
‘. . . but could you spare some cash?’ he asked rather sheepishly. ‘I ain’t eaten since yesterday.’
I blinked. ‘Neither have I. It’s [...]
Turbulence / March 12 2008
Again with the severe weather here in the middle of Great England. When Audrey and I stepped out of the house this morning we were nearly blown off our feet. ‘Crikey!’ I declared, battling against the gale.
‘George W. Bush!’ barked my little dog who was trying not to become airborne again.
In the village, as we [...]
Giant Elvis / March 10 2008
The newly painted sign above the door of the flower shop in the market place declares, in big gold lettering on a purple background: Victorian Posy Shoppe, Florist and Balloon Decorator. In the window, behind which usually reside clever arrangements and bouquets of colourful roses and carnations, there is an assortment of silver and gold [...]
Angelina versus Jennifer / March 8 2008
I dreamed last night that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Anniston were fighting over me. They were really going for it. There was lots of hair-pulling, face-scratching and even a few karate chops and well-aimed heavy punches. It was great.
It then got even better when Sophia Loren from 1960 suddenly appeared and stepped into the fray. [...]
The Men Who Loved Women / March 7 2008
I bumped into arch joker Reg and his diminutive, three-legged Jack Russell terrier Hercules in the park earlier today.
Hercules is so small, he looks like a tiny guinea pig as Audrey chases him around the flower beds. Although he does his very best to keep up with her, she is much too quick for him [...]
Silly-Billy Lily / March 6 2008
Crap singer, appalling fashion designer and amateurish chat-show host Lily Allen has angered organisers of the Isle of Wight Festival by cancelling her appearance at the last minute for what all agree are unacceptable reasons.
In an interview with BBC 6 Music, promoter John Giddings said that she had been booked since November but has pulled [...]
Frosty Blossom / March 5 2008
It happens with increasing frequency now in this country, probably due to global warming: flowers begin to bloom earlier and earlier in the year having then to endure the shock of cold morning frosts. And it isn’t just the local flora that gets caught out in this way.
As is very often the case in Great [...]
