CCTV Fever / March 31 2008
‘Have you seen all the bloody cameras springing up all over the village?’ I was asked this morning. ‘Big Brother is watching you,’ he said.
It was Reg, the fellow who is always telling me old jokes – jokes not heard since the days of valve radio. He wasn’t joking this morning, though; he seemed genuinely […]
The Saliva of Civilisation / March 30 2008
Everybody spits around here; the streets and pavements are covered in luminous green globs of frothy phlegm. At times, the village resembles some kind of Wild West frontier town.
It is a local tradition that every member of the family – even the cats and dogs – devote at least one hour a day to the […]
Evil Piers / March 28 2008
What is it with the Americans’ obsession with former tabloid editor Piers Morgan who has just won the US version of Celebrity Apprentice?
In the final programme, he described himself as an ‘evil, obnoxious, disgusting Brit.’ His assessment of his own character is nothing if not completely accurate. I would, however, replace the first two letters […]
Drug Dealer / March 27 2008
‘No hairdye today, Mr Fantastic?’ The disagreeable individual who manages the village chemist shop was shouting after me as I was closing his door. I hate him.
He was trying to embarrass me but it’s something that will never happen.
A middle-aged woman was entering the shop as I was leaving; she let a smile win her […]
Expanding Universe / March 25 2008
I do not care that my television set is broken. I do not care that the picture has shrunk to the energy-saving size of a matchbox. And neither do I care that the manufacturer’s guarantee ran out last week.
Apart from The Simpsons, there is nothing worth watching anyway. Yesterday, on the local news, the constipated […]
O Hold Me, Firm Earth / March 24 2008
I’m shocked. I simply could not believe it on Saturday when my Uncle Michael did me an enormous favour. We have hardly been on speaking terms for about fifteen years and it has been an established belief within the family that we hate each other’s guts.
Michael is a staunch supporter of the British National Party, […]
He Is The Eggman / March 23 2008
When I got home from the Enormous rehearsal yesterday, I sat in the studio with a big, dark chocolate Easter egg from the Co-op and a bottle of fighting rum from the off-license ready for an afternoon of mixing some execrable heavy-metal music.
As I was closing the big sash windows in the control-room, my attention […]
Thought of the Day / March 21 2008
Dear diary,
Why oh why oh why oh why?
Project Telescope / March 20 2008
‘What do you reckon to this, then?’ I bumped into joker Reg this morning and he thrust a huge brass telescope into my hands. ‘I’ve been saving up for it for ages,’ he said proudly.
‘That’s one fine-looking telescope, Reg,’ I told him as I dropped his precious acquisition on to the pavement. ‘Oh my god, […]
The Sound of Ghosts / March 19 2008
There is a large, man-sized receptacle in the bathroom I sometimes utilise for the purpose of bathing that I recently realised would make an excellent device for capturing ghosts.
And I was right: I’ve caught one.
Audrey is fascinated by our prisoner, completely spellbound as she peers over the edge of the immense plastic container, staring and […]
