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Excessive Moderation / February 14 2008
It isn’t my birthday until tomorrow but I have already had scores of friends on MySpace sending me their best wishes and reminding me that they have a new album out at the moment or a gig in a few weeks time. It’s a jolly good job that they have kindly elected to send me [...]
Lucky Underpants / February 12 2008
I was talking to a friend of mine this morning who had just returned from a job interview. She was worried that she hadn’t made a good impression on her prospective employers. ‘I just clammed up,’ she told me in despair.
I am exactly the opposite. I seldom attend such interviews, but when I do, I [...]
I’ve Got The Hump / February 11 2008
The roadworks that have been taking place intermittently on our street for the past month have resulted in the appearance of several raised humps intended to act as traffic-calming measures.
One of these ludicrously insubstantial bulges in the road’s surface has been positioned directly outside my house. The low-frequency noise that was generated daily during its [...]
Dog’s Fog Jog Hog Shock / February 10 2008
It was very foggy at 8:am this morning when Audrey and I were jogging around the park.
About half-way around, I noticed that she was no longer following me; she had stopped to inspect something underneath one of the wild rosebushes that border the dilapidated tennis courts. She was only about 10 metres behind me along [...]
Hand-Shaped Bruise / February 8 2008
‘Why aren’t you at school, Billy?’
I met the cheerful little youngster on the recreation ground this morning. He was on his knees trying to feed chewing gum to Audrey. ‘I don’t think dogs like gum, Billy,’ I told him. I asked again, ‘Why aren’t you at school?’ He ignored me a second time and increased [...]
Tooth Fairy / February 7 2008
I love Polish people! Especially Polish dentists. Especially homosexual Polish dentists.
My previous dentist, the repulsive and incompetent Turkish fellow I told you about previously, had been replaced by a fresh-faced and very gay, East European associate who greeted me when I arrived to have some bridgework done yesterday.
He told me his name as I entered [...]
Finding My Religion / February 6 2008
For a while now, I have been toying with the idea of starting a new religion.
It isn’t that I feel inadequately provided for or spiritually bereft in any way, neither am I living in purgatory or suffering any kind moral agony - it is simply that I think the time is right for a creed [...]
Idiot Check / February 4 2008
When we are on the road with the band, to outsiders, it can seem that we are occasionally really cruel to the road crew. It isn’t something that I am particularly proud of, but, generally, chief roadie Tom - the thinnest and crustiest of all the roadies in the universe - and his lieutenants always [...]
Climbing Trousers / February 3 2008
‘Billy, come down from there!’ his mother chided him in agonised entreaty. ‘Those are your best trousers!’
‘No they’re not,’ shouted the little boy. He scrambled even higher up the wall. ‘These are my climbing trousers.’
Hearing the querulous squeals of little Billy on the rec’ this morning and watching this anxious woman wringing her hands in [...]
Tired of Lazy Tastebuds / February 2 2008
I am so bored with my diet – well, not bored as such, more ready for a change. Something is coming, looming on the horizon. Storm clouds are gathering in my little kitchen, neighbours are battening down their hatches, a gastronomic revolution is about to shake the foundations of the Fantastic household. Or something. Probably.
Don’t [...]
