Morning Glory / January 31 2008
I slept so well last night, for the first time in ages.
I awoke feeling absolutely marvellous and leapt out of bed like a character in a mattress commercial. I had some difficulty putting on my trousers due to the spectacular case of morning glory I was experiencing – a prominence so uncharacteristically proud that I suspect it was detectable on radar.
My mood could have had something to do with the fact that I went into the city and purchased a new Focusrite compressor yesterday. I lied to the geeky salesman about his company’s inaccurate detailing of the unit’s specifications so convincingly that I managed to get the price reduced by £100.
But I feel much more satisfied about life than I think I should for a wet and windy Thursday morning in January – much more so than can be attributed to my clever and disingenuous dealings with impressionable sales staff, anyway. There is just something beautiful in the air today: something the ineffable and wondrous nature of which cannot be denied.
As I type this, however, my feelings of elation are beginning to be tempered somewhat by worry and doubt. I am starting to feel very guilty and corrupt for paying less than I should have done for a piece of valuable audio outboard equipment. Every time a car pulls up outside or whenever the telephone rings, I break out in a cold sweat, fearing that I have been found out and am about to be arrested by a policeman with a moustache. Maybe I am simply being paranoid. I used to suffer a lot from anxiety and agoraphobia. I was suffering so badly at one stage that I felt compelled to visit my doctor.
‘I am inclined to conclude that you are experiencing an acute case of clinical depression and paranoia, Napoleon,’ he told me, smiling.
‘Paranoia!?’ I gasped. I was shocked but I couldn’t take his diagnosis seriously as he had a large green morsel of food - a piece of spinach, perhaps - stuck to one of his teeth. I tried to lighten the mood: ‘Did you hear the one about the G.P. whose patient comes to see him,’ I asked him, ‘who says “Doctor, someone is putting something in my food to make me paranoid”?’
He stopped smiling and wrote me a prescription in silence.
Filed under Guilt / Hypochandria / Pro Audio / Salesmen
Comments
4 comments on “Morning Glory”
Jo Beaufoix / January 31st, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Glad you’re feeling, erm, perky, and don’t worry about getting £100 knocked off. I bet you could have got more and they’d still have made a profit. It’s not like you had his arm up his back right?
(You didn’t did you?)
Napoleon Fantastic / January 31st, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Jo,
Certainly not! I’m the perfect gentleman when I’m robbing people. No rough stuff - wouldn’t have it any other way, darling. Xx
Nelson Galaxy / February 1st, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Ahh anxiety and agoraphobia a perfect end to a perfect week. You ever tried going for a morning wee whilst standing straight and tall? Not easy.
Napoleon Fantastic / February 1st, 2008 at 10:28 pm
How right you are. Not easy at all - not like they said it would be in the RAF. Right, must dash: we have a early start in the morning. Sergeant is running weapon drills.
Top-ho!
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