The Convincer / January 22 2008
‘I really don’t need any new windows, thanks.’
‘I think you’ll find you do, Mr Fantastic.’
‘Look,’ I told him, ‘it’s a seductive paradox: I would love to stand and talk but I’m very busy. I would really appreciate it you could just go away.’
‘You see, these here at the front, they’re what we call “corroded” – it’s a technical term - and your kitchen window round the back is what we call “misting up” – again another scientific term, it means when the double-glazing has begun to –’
‘Snake!’ I pointed at his feet. I saw panic in his eyes. ‘Snake!’ I screamed. I was beginning to hate him with a murderous venom and the idea of him being bitten by a cobra seemed very appealing.
‘Wha - ?’ He glanced nervously at his patent leather shoes, shifting his weight from one foot to another and his arms went into the air. He seemed, if not afraid, then certainly full of trepidation.
‘Do you believe in The Baby Jesus?’ I asked him, softly, my words full of grave concern.
‘Erm . . .’
Then I said: ‘Jusht as you s-s-s-sow, so sh-sh-shall ye REAP!’ My voice rose to a powerful crescendo. I was slurring my words and beginning to sway gently from side to side. I let some dribble fall from my open mouth and on to my shirt.
It worked. ‘You’re a f***ing head-case, mate, you are,’ he said. Then he left.
Filed under Annoyances / English Village Life / Salesmen
Comments
10 comments on “The Convincer”
Charlotte / January 22nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Samuel L Jackson rant, eh? Nice touch! xx
Napoleon Fantastic / January 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Sorry, Charlotte, you have lost me there.
Charlotte / January 23rd, 2008 at 11:57 am
Pulp Fiction…?
Napoleon Fantastic / January 23rd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Right . . .
You mean the Quentin Tarantino film, I presume?
Not sure I’ve seen it to be honest. Those kinds of films are a little too violent for my tastes. I’m more of Woody Allen, Frank Capra fan.
Xx
Charlotte / January 23rd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Ah, no wonder it was lost on you !
Napoleon Fantastic / January 23rd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Ah-ha!
I’ll have to go rent the DVD. If Tarantino has been ripping me off . . .
Thanks for the heads-up, Chaz.
Nelson Galaxy / January 23rd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
You don’t have any difficulty persuading people you are mad do you? Don’t bother with Pulp Fiction, overrated mate.
Napoleon Fantastic / January 23rd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I am mad. Wibble wibble. In a crazy kinda way.
Jo Beaufoix / January 29th, 2008 at 1:43 am
Perfectly handled. You are definitely part genius.
Napoleon Fantastic / January 29th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Ah, Jo, I concur - but which part?
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