Enema at the Gate / October 31 2007
Pranksters removed my front gate from its hinges last night. When I left the house this morning it was lying by the side of the road about three doors down. There was also a large pile of what looked suspiciously like human faeces outside my front door, though I suppose it could just as easily […]
Vertical Thinking / October 30 2007
Believe it or not, I have just had to rescue a dog from a tree – my dog, to be precise.
Audrey spotted a cat this morning and immediately gave chase. The poor thing was obviously terrified of such a fearsome hound, but when I caught up, it had disappeared into the relative safety of the […]
Stranger in the House / October 29 2007
There is an annoying little man who follows my mother around who calls himself my stepfather.
I have never got along with him. We have absolutely nothing in common and he has never taken an interest in me – except to try to chat up my girlfriends or to enjoy inconveniencing me by making promises that […]
Send Home the Clowns / October 28 2007
Innovative government regulations threaten to consign the traditional travelling circus to the history books. Many clowns and much-loved performing animals are having to be pensioned off because of tough new rules.
I was so pleased when I learned today of the introduction of a proposed ban on animals in circuses in the UK. Many are obviously […]
Crafty Fag / October 27 2007
‘You haven’t seen me, right?’
‘Pardon?’
There was a small, flowery-dressed young man standing next to the dustbins behind the Arts and Crafts shop this morning as Audrey and I passed by on our misty morning walk.
‘Oh what an absolutely, gorgeously divine dog! Does she bite?’ He blew a sophisticated kiss at Audrey. ‘I’m just having a […]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / October 26 2007
No.14 You will form a band with a man with a moustache.
You will decide that Politics and Law at Manchester University is a soul-destroying prospect. You will not go.
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Astral Weeks – Van Morrison
Sky West and Furious / October 25 2007
I was back in Sky West today – the hairdressing establishment on the market place where, a few months ago, I made a young trainee cry.
It was the same girl this morning who laconically invited me to sit in her chair.
‘Embarrassing trim, please,’ I said, trying to sound jolly. She did not react at all […]
Hell Fat Nob / October 24 2007
On our early morning walk today, Audrey and I happened to pass by a house on Victoria Street that had been comprehensively vandalised and had had obscene graffiti daubed all over it during the night.
I recognised the address because it had been featured in the local newspaper earlier in the week. It is the home […]
Chinese Sky-Candy Menace / October 23 2007
All fireworks should be banned in this country – the free use of them, anyway. They are annoying at best and dangerous and often lethal at worst.
Audrey is scared stiff of them. Local morons began letting them off on the rec’ behind our house last week, and I expect this evil practice to continue through […]
More Treatment / October 22 2007
Once again, the filthy urchins of the parish have outdone themselves.
When they turned up at the house last night, they had not even bothered to dress up in the appropriate Halloween costumes or masks. ‘Trick or treat!’ came the inevitable demand.
They were actually shouting at the window because I was pretending that I wasn’t at […]
