Falling Out of Bed / September 26 2007
That is what I did this morning when I got up at 5am – fell out of my bed and on to the floor. I was so tired that my legs refused to support me in the fashion that is usually required of them. I did not sleep a wink last night; my mind was on other things.
Consequently, when Audrey and I encountered another group of girl morons on the rec’ a couple of hours ago, I was not in best spirits. They were practicing their swearing by making lewd and lascivious remarks to us and gesticulating crudely. ‘Hello, chicken! Chiiiiicken!’ they were shouting at us. And, ‘Hey, mister, do you shag yer dog?’
I wish someone would do something about them, or that they would just slip into another universe. At the very least, I wish that they would simply leave me alone. In large part, I blame the cheap cider that is illegally sold to them from all the local shops. It is only £2.99 for 5 litres, and only a small amount of the stuff is needed to render one completely intoxicated. Trust me, I speak from bitter experience.
Rather like the early Americans said, ‘Kill the buffalo and you kill the Indians,’ I say: ‘Get rid of the cheap white cider and you get rid of the anti-social teenage idiots.’ Or perhaps: ‘Kill the cider, kill the teenagers’ - which would be more in keeping with what the misguided settlers actually said and definitely has a better ring to it. ‘Kill all teenagers,’ sounds even better. However, I digress.
The girls this morning had set fire to an old abandoned car in order to warm themselves. The scene resembled one from Beirut. One of them sidled up to me and said, ‘We don’t mean you no harm. We’re just pissed.’ She wore a kindly expression but stank of sweat. Her shirt was wet-through. I fancied that she would be able to keep two fish alive in her armpits on an ongoing basis.
‘It’s alright,’ I said to her in the most avuncular voice I could muster under the circumstances. ‘You run along and play now.’ I could not find it in my heart to be angry with her.
Filed under Anti-Social Behaviour / English Village Life / Insomnia / Recording Studio / Teenagers / Vandalism
Comments
8 comments on “Falling Out of Bed”
Despina / September 26th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Whenever you quote yourself, I’ve realised who does your voice for you in my head.
It’s Richard E Grant as Withnail.
Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Napoleon Fantastic / September 26th, 2007 at 11:07 pm
That’s a good thing.
Me, I think I sound like David Niven, which is slightly odd because, really, the person I sound most like is myself.
Something is amiss somewhere. I can feel another trip to the sanatorium coming on.
Charlotte / September 27th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Hmm…strangely aggressive girls drinking rough cider - it reminds me of a Thai gypsy village where I once spent some time, where they were all lolling about on the beach for 18 hours a day drinking rough spirits from tiny plastic bags so that it wouldn’t get stolen from them. They had a bizarre manner too. Maybe the two cultures aren’t as far apart as one would initially think. OK, the weather’s a bit different…..
Napoleon Fantastic / September 27th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Hey, Charlotte
Did they all shout Chicken! at you like the ones here do at me?
Or was it: ‘Hey, GI Jane, you want f***ief****ie? Me love you longtime. Is 100% fun - guaranteed!’
(Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I love my stereotypes, I do.)
Charlotte / September 27th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
It’s more of a kind of drool, as they try to see through the haze of 70% rough spirit. However, I have been propositioned in Bangkok just as you suggest. Aren’t stereotypes brilliant !
Napoleon Fantastic / September 27th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Charlotte
Indeed.
I was once propositioned in an Asian country but for completely different reasons. A couple of youths offered to relieve me of my wallet and valuables. Nice of them I thought.
Despina / October 1st, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Ooh, David Niven is yummy!
They don’t make gentlemen like that anymore! Or rather, they do, but they’re limited edition :p
Napoleon Fantastic / October 1st, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Despina,
Indeed. Once again, I find myself in the minority.
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