Saliva Birds / September 23 2007
I do not like to hear teenage girls swearing or to see them scratching themselves in unsavoury places (You mean like outside the glue factory? – Crap Jokes Ed.), but what I find most disturbing is the occurrence of young females spitting in the street. And even then, if it was just one or two of them, I would not feel so disgusted. But when a whole group of about ten or twelve of them are at it, freely ejecting rich spittle and sticky, bronchial mucus on to the busy thoroughfare, I am outraged.
We had an unfortunate encounter with such a gathering yesterday whilst out enjoying our evening promenade. One generous dollop of the sickening liquid nearly landed on Audrey’s tail.
I could not help myself. ‘Excuse me,’ I said to the cross-eyed offender from whose mouth the saliva had been ejaculated, ‘But are you a moron?’
‘You what?’ she asked, laconically.
‘I do not mean to cause you any offence,’ I went on, ‘But it is of course to be taken for granted that your cerebral acuities are severely limited. I was just wondering if in fact you have an actual medical condition such as idiotism, Tourette’s or Down’s Syndrome perhaps, which would account for your egregious behaviour.’
‘F**k off, weirdo,’ she whispered. Which I did.
I could hear them calling me every name under the sun as we went down the hill and turned the corner. ‘Tell me, Audrey,’ I asked my little dog, ‘Why, oh why can’t I keep my big mouth shut?’
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Can’t Slow Down - Lionel Richie
Filed under Annoyances / Audrey / Teenagers / The Decline of Western Civilisation
Comments
2 comments on “Saliva Birds”
Jo Beaufoix / September 23rd, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Eughhhhw.
It wasn’t me.
Napoleon Fantastic / September 23rd, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Jo, of course it wasn’t you.
It was an uncouth youth. Whereas you are very couth. One of the couthest people I know, in fact.
Leave a comment
