Telling Teenage Fortunes / September 30 2007
No.13 You will solve mysteries.
Here is one of the answers you will discover:
Deep down, you are still an awkward kid.
Here is another:
Someone loves you.
International Incident / September 29 2007
‘She’s the one, Nelson.’
‘Pardon?’
‘She’s the one,’ I told him.
‘You’re an idiot,’ he said. ‘How do you know?’
‘Trust me; you know when you’ve found the one.’
‘You said that the last time; all those years ago – and the time before that. You thought they were “the one” too. How many ones can one have? Can one […]
Flash Fantastic / September 28 2007
Last night I dreamed I was running around the market place in my bare feet and startling passers-by by flashing my private parts at them. My favourite Crombie overcoat and a big grin were the only things I was wearing . . . and I was having a marvellous time.
However, I do recall feeling slightly […]
Galaxy Hotel / September 27 2007
‘Aaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!’
That was the rather alarming sound that was coming from an ugly little boy-child whom Audrey and I passed this morning. He did not want to go to school.
It sounded like someone was killing a pig. Audrey was most dismayed. ‘I’m not surprised he’s ugly,’ I whispered to her. ‘Look at his mother.’
The desperate woman […]
Falling Out of Bed / September 26 2007
That is what I did this morning when I got up at 5am – fell out of my bed and on to the floor. I was so tired that my legs refused to support me in the fashion that is usually required of them. I did not sleep a wink last night; my mind was […]
A Statement / September 25 2007
It has been suggested in various quarters that I may have been planning to abandon my blog and elope with a local woman in order to raise a brood of East Midlands hell-children-Satan-spawn.
Let me say right now that there is absolutely no chance whatsoever of me ever running away with a toothless crone - or […]
Studio Monkey Enquiry / September 24 2007
I have just received a phone call from a young man who used to be one of my students when I was teaching at WNC.
I taught a two year BTEC course in Sound Engineering, but over the six years that I was doing it, I am sorry to say that out of the hundreds of […]
Saliva Birds / September 23 2007
I do not like to hear teenage girls swearing or to see them scratching themselves in unsavoury places (You mean like outside the glue factory? – Crap Jokes Ed.), but what I find most disturbing is the occurrence of young females spitting in the street. And even then, if it was just one or two […]
Taxi for Mr Fantastic / September 22 2007
Slaughterhouse 5 were playing a gig at Falmouth College of Art a few years ago when a man in the audience died.
Every night on tour, in the dressing room, just before we took to the stage, I would say to my fellow band members: ‘Gentlemen, guitars on stun.’ I do not think, however, that our […]
Public Inconvenience / September 21 2007
There was a huge queue of elderly investors outside the branch of the Northern Rock bank on the market place this morning. It stretched all the way along the High Street to the Co-op on the corner.
The bank has been in the news recently because it has more or less gone bust. Even though the […]
