Everyday Things I Wish I Was Better at Doing / August 20 2007
5. Swimming
In my dreams, I am a musclebound Olympic gold-medal swimmer (well, am I not the hero of my own life-story?), but I am forced to admit that, in reality, I am nothing of the sort. I am exceptionally bad at any form of natation.
I annoy myself for being this way because most of my friends and all of my girlfriends and ex-wives are excellent swimmers. Whether at the beach in summer, or lounging beside a pool drinking cocktails, or just hovering naked near a full bath, I am constantly being hassled into joining in with some watery fun. I always feel like the world’s biggest killjoy by steadfastly remaining on dry land, but this is where I prefer to stay.
I just cannot swim very well; I never learned properly the techniques required when I was a youngster and I suppose it is too late to start now.
I am proficient at swimming vertically, though – you know: downwards.
If ever you need a handsome man to swim swiftly and skilfully from the surface of any sea to its sandy bed in mere seconds, then I’m your guy. But sadly, the essential skills required for effective horizontal swimming have always eluded me.
I have also been greatly affected by the fact that once, when I was an awkward and adenoidal youth of fourteen, I nearly drowned when I was on holiday with my parents and young brother in Great Yarmouth. The North Sea was very cold that day and I got cramp in both legs. There I was with a mouthful of seawater, trying to shout for help. I was going down for the third time, desperately clutching at fish and thinking I was about to die. I was eventually rescued by a big black man with a Gorky moustache. I often think of him.
Audrey, on the other hand, is an excellent swimmer – as are all dogs. This is partly due to the fact that – and I learned this astonishing piece of information only very recently – dogs have webbed feet. (I know: weird, eh? If you have a dog, go take a look right now. You won’t be disappointed.)
I can often be found on a sunny afternoon in Derbyshire teasing my hairy little dog about this little-known fact, but she seems not to mind.
Filed under Audrey / Dogs / Everyday Things I Wish I Was Better At Doing / Family / Humour / Life
Comments
2 comments on “Everyday Things I Wish I Was Better at Doing”
Graham Boffey / September 1st, 2007 at 7:36 pm
I too cannot swim to save mine, or anybody else’s life. When on holiday on the Costa del Skeg this year, my seven year old daughter kept offering to teach me to swim. Can you imagine how embarrassing and humiliating that is? I have even attended adult swimming lessons, which turned out totally embarrassing as well with all my companions learning to swim really well, doing lengths within a couple of weeks while I was still floundering around like, well a very floundery thing.
Mrs B has also invited me along with her when she has gone swimming, but I’ve always excused myself from this. She often does about eighty lengths at a time. I’m not going with her if she’s just going to mess about.
Bye for now, the Chinese length champion of Mansfield.
Napoleon Fantastic / September 2nd, 2007 at 1:23 pm
Mmm… Chinese lengths.
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