Everyday Things I Wish I Was Better At Doing / July 14 2007
3. Dancing.
I am not referring here to such stylised examples of the art of dancing like salsa or ballroom dancing (I tried that once, but I kept standing on my partner’s knees); it is the more informal category known as disco dancing at which I am so bad. Neither am I talking about professional disco-dancing. I am referring merely to the simple jigging around one does at a party or in a club – often while trying to impress a pretty girl or two.
I feel especially ashamed at my lack of talents in this area of life, not least because it appears to be an activity that 99% of the human race seems to be able to master easily and naturally, usually at a very early age in their general development.
I feel overwhelmingly self-conscious - no matter how drunk I am at the time - and look so awkward and out of place whenever I try to do it. Or, as is more often the case, whenever I am unadvisedly forced into doing it by someone else. And it isn’t because I haven’t ‘got rhythm’ – I have; it is probably more likely to do with the fact that I am tall and gangly. (And stupid – Ed.)
At those ill-fated times when I am to be found on the dance floor, I look as if my elbows have been surgically attached to my hips and my neck is broken. To say that I bear a resemblance to a badly-coordinated version of Frankenstein’s monster would be to indulge in riotous understatement. I tend to lean forwards slightly, and with my forearms swaying gently in front of me, I look like a grinning buffoon trying to catch a moth.
But even this is a vast improvement on my early efforts in my youth when I used to look a lot like a shaking baby learning to stand.
I have been told by a kind person that in some ways it is quite endearing to have talents as egregiously lacking as are mine in this area. And at least my technique is an original one, but it is hardly a blueprint for the complete modern dance method.
As a consolation, I often find that being so bad at things produces a kind of independent, objective wisdom. Once you become completely resigned to your specific inadequacies, it does give you a certain amount of freedom. You tend to see things from a different perspective. Being able to laugh at myself so much has made me realise that, by readily accepting my miserable shortfalls, I can create a kind of welcome release from the pressures I sometimes put myself under, and from this comes a blissful - if slightly ignorant – confidence.
And for that reason alone, I am learning to be quite proud of my bad dancing.
Filed under Everyday Things I Wish I Was Better At Doing / Life
Comments
6 comments on “Everyday Things I Wish I Was Better At Doing”
Jo Beaufoix / July 15th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Be proud.
Dance with my children, they won’t notice any odd footwork as they’ve seen their Daddy dancing.
Napoleon Fantastic / July 16th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Thanks, Jo, but I don’t think it would work.
People would think I was trying to harm them.
Nelson Galaxy / July 16th, 2007 at 11:30 am
It has often been commented that I dance like a handicapped person. This ain’t a bad thing as I seem to have started the ‘Spastic Dancer’ craze that’s hitting the nightclubs of London. What next? Dance like a pedophile?
Napoleon Fantastic / July 16th, 2007 at 11:44 am
I seem to remember that you have been responsible for creating quite a few dance crazes in you time, Nel.
Do you recall a few years ago when everone was doing the ‘Drunken Monkey’?
Miss Despina / July 20th, 2007 at 9:12 am
I specialise in the “Shaking Soprano”, (although that might just be the DTs) 
Napoleon Fantastic / July 20th, 2007 at 11:41 am
You should have seen Nelson a few summers ago doing his ironic version of the ‘Travolta Twist’ - which never quite worked for me, though it was a popular routine at the time.
I much prefer his ‘Disappointed Princess’ which often raises a few eyebrows - among other things - around the lesser known clubs in Soho. It is one that he has spent years perfecting and should eventually win him a few awards, I fancy.
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