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Clearance For Take-Off / June 20 2007
No post yesterday. Apologies - I was somewhat chemically compromised.
The chemicals in question were alcohol (wine and tequila) and quails’ eggs. (Are eggs chemicals? The last time I looked, they were more like unborn baby birds. But hey, what do I know? – Nutrition Ed.)
I was taken for lunch to the Moon Inn by an [...]
A Streetcar Named Retire / June 18 2007
There is a generally held opinion in this country that elderly drivers should be required to re-take their driving tests once they reach a certain age. I would go further and ban them entirely.
One doddering old codger nearly ran over me and Audrey this morning as we were enjoying our early walk. He looked about [...]
My Own Private Lido / June 16 2007
Audrey is thanking the heavens for all this rain that we have been having.
There is a small BMX track for the village child-morons on the recreation ground which quickly floods after heavy downpours. This creates for my grateful dog her own little swimming complex of several 12in-deep interconnecting pools.
What fun she has at times such [...]
More Tea, Vicar? / June 15 2007
It is a very good thing that the gym I patronise every morning is virtually deserted when I am there at 7am, due to the fact that I cannot help farting continuously - and very forcefully and confidently - as my vigorous workout gets into full swing.
It really is a mystery to me as to from [...]
Official Warning / June 14 2007
The Baby Jesus has threatened to smack my head in if I don’t get some work done for a change.
Actually, it is a little odd at times being self-employed. One has to be very disciplined and if the work rate begins to drop, you have to seriously castigate yourself.
If things get really out of hand, [...]
Bisy Backson / June 13 2007
Gon Out Backson Bisy Backson
Devil Dogs / June 12 2007
All pit-bull terriers and similar dogs should be banned from the UK. As should the retarded people that own the ugly, wretched creatures. Both are bred for fighting and both are disgusting.
(In fact, I am firmly of the opinion that all such owners should be shot at birth. And I know what you are going to say, [...]
Nelson’s Column / June 11 2007
Nelson has been gloating over the fact that he was right about the dangers of dating and of the irresponsibility of asking out pretty girls who are in fact complete strangers.
‘Told you so,’ was the typical thrust of his comments to me yesterday.
‘You are becoming so gosh-darned good lately at offering spicy meatballs of precious advice, that [...]
He Who Waits / June 10 2007
Last night was not quite the romantic escapade I was perhaps recklessly hoping that it would be.
I arrived outside the village fish and chip shop at ten minutes before the pre-arranged time (7:30pm) to wait for my date. But unfortunately – although rather predictably, she never appeared.
At seven forty-five, I was thinking, ‘She is only [...]
Overture / June 9 2007
I’m so excited. I’m so exciting.
At four o’clock yesterday afternoon, I clumsily presented to my new potential life-partner - the fine-looking lollipop lady who performs her duties twice daily at the end of the street (I’m a sucker for a pretty girl in a hi-vis miniskirt) - a huge red lollipop. It was strawberry-flavoured. I [...]
