Man Down! Medic! / May 27 2007
I am too old now to do such things, but I have actually just fallen over outside. It was spectacular but not very funny. I have hurt my back and badly dented my pride. Boo hoo.
During our morning walk on the rec, a football belonging to a group of young boys rolled towards my dog and me. Audrey was suddenly very animated. She was probably thinking that the gods had out of the blue delivered unto her a shiny new plaything.
‘Look, father: a football – how fortuitous!’ she barked at me.
‘Sorry, sweetheart, it isn’t for you.’ I told her, moving myself into position so that I might kick it back to the boys who were looking at us in hopeful expectation.
I do not kick footballs very often – I am more of a lawn tennis kind of chap, don’t you know – but I was not in any way prepared for what happened next.
Suddenly, the world disappeared.
I had no idea where I was, or what had just happened. I was, quite simply, stunned.
Nothing was as it should be. It was as if a rip in the fabric if time had suddenly appeared right there on the recreation ground behind our house and I had somehow slipped right through it, unexpectedly finding myself in another, totally unrecognisable dimension.
All I could see was . . . well, nothing. Everything was white: a cold, eerie, white emptiness. I managed to turn my head to one side, and there in the near distance were the boys, reunited with their football, playing happily. Something was elementally wrong, however. They were playing their game on what seemed to be a near-vertical incline. The pitch was at right angles to the ground! How could this be? The boys seemed oblivious to the danger they were in – and why did they not fall off? How were they casually managing to defy gravity in this way? Why were they not tumbling to earth?
Exasperated, I turned my head back to the white emptiness, but it was empty no longer. It was now filled by a big, panting dog head, with what appeared to be several tiny birds circling around it.
Imagine my relief when I realised it was Audrey; her face was about three inches from my own.
As I looked into her big, brown eyes, I understood once more that something was very, very wrong. I was not breathing. Emergency! Emergency! Breathe in! I shouted inside my head. And this I did in one colossal, thunderous gulp. And in so doing, I realised what had happened. In trying to kick the football, I had missed, fallen backwards and expertly winded myself.
I stood up, and brushing myself down, glanced at the boys in embarrassment. They were completely ignoring me and appeared not to have noticed – or were fundamentally unconcerned about – what had just occurred. And Audrey, once she knew I was fine, was happy for our walk to continue. We had to head back to the house, however. I was feeling nauseous and sore.
After a nice cup of Earl Grey and a full inspection, I was relieved to discover that there was no apparent damage done – except to my pride. And to my Fred Perry jacket which was now carefully decorated with a generous layer of Derbyshire mud.
At my age (21), it is not a thoroughly sensible proposal to allow oneself to collapse or to fall over in public. It is essentially embarrassing more than anything else, but quite depressing, also.
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Nothing. I’m sulking.
Filed under Growing Old / Humour / Life / Uncategorized
Comments
5 comments on “Man Down! Medic!”
Andy Bold / May 27th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
Your blog is cool. I read it every day. You make me laugh. Just wanted you to know.
Napoleon Fantastic / May 27th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Way hey! Thank you, Andy.
You are a gentleman and - at the risk of using a well-worn platitude - I will say this: there are not many of us left, you know.
(Somebody buy that man a drink.)
Jo Beaufoix / May 28th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
At least little Audrey stayed by your side and made sure the mean boys didn’t run off with your lovely Fred Perry Jacket.
And atleast it wasn’t in front of the pretty girl that you shouted ‘monkey’ at last time.
See, now you feel better.
Napoleon Fantastic / May 29th, 2007 at 8:26 am
Much better. Monkey!
Ashley Morgan / May 29th, 2007 at 9:35 pm
21!
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