Odd Job Man / May 31 2007
My mother and stepfather John came to visit yesterday.
Whenever they come around, my mother is always straight into the kitchen looking for a duster, and John goes directly into the garden to tend to the lawn and bizzy-lizzies. (Aren’t parents useful sometimes.)
John decided that the lawnmower was in need of its annual service, so he […]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / May 30 2007
No.11 Your art teacher will introduce you to the dubious delights of Newcastle Brown Ale.
You will drink 14 pints of it in the Red Lion whilst trying - rather clumsily - to impress Sally, the new girl from Nottingham High who looks so goddamn regal, you will feel that you should take her knee and […]
Problem Solved / May 29 2007
Waiting in my inbox this morning was an email from a woman requesting urgent and personal congregation with me.
She appears to be East European though she does not specify exactly where she is from – but who the hell cares?
She begins her message in a very encouraging style:
‘Hello please. I like you introduce in perfect […]
Bank Holiday Blues / May 28 2007
I think that I have been single and living alone for too long.
Well, I am not alone exactly – I share my life with Audrey, the most beautiful little dog in the world – but I am without woman.
The reason I say this now is because my days have been filled recently with one domestic […]
Man Down! Medic! / May 27 2007
I am too old now to do such things, but I have actually just fallen over outside. It was spectacular but not very funny. I have hurt my back and badly dented my pride. Boo hoo.
During our morning walk on the rec, a football belonging to a group of young boys rolled towards my dog […]
Angel / May 25 2007
I am not by and large a person who believes in such things – in fact, those who know me well would probably tell you that I am a very level-headed and sceptical person – but today I thought I saw an angel.
I was in town with Audrey this morning when I glimpsed something moving […]
The Truth About Moths / May 24 2007
In answer to a recent comment from Jo Beaufoix: I did indeed once swallow a moth.
It was purely by accident, you understand – I was not acting as some kind of rapacious alien contestant on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
One day, I was laughing uncontrollably at something stupid and a big furry […]
Telling Teenage Fortunes / May 23 2007
No.10 You will swallow a moth.
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Scott 4 – Scott Walker
Meetings with Remarkable Bees / May 21 2007
There are no bookings in the studio for a few days, so Nelson is taking advantage of the situation and is coming up from London to work on his new album.
Audrey is not very impressed at the prospect of his arrival, however. She knows that there will be some drunken exploits occurring and she doesn’t […]
An Apology / May 19 2007
I have been advised by my lawyers to issue an official apology.
(Solicitors and lawyers – in the main a drain on society – can at times offer useful advice.)
It appears that my reporting of Nelson Galaxy’s drunken night out in London’s Soho with a famous French movie star, and the surprising revelation that said movie […]
