Numbskull Avoidance / March 30 2007
We’re moving house.
I’ve always been fascinated by people who, like me, don’t always demonstrate absolute mental stability, but at the moment, I’m having great difficulty understanding the actions of an unattractive man who lives a few doors down from Audrey and me.
For about two weeks now, his car alarm has been loudly squawking and squealing at regular intervals every morning between the hours of 8 and 11am. This wouldn’t be so much of a problem if it wasn’t for the fact that he has a habit of parking his vehicle directly outside our house.
The ear-piercing high-pitched noise is a very disturbing and annoying thing to have to endure, especially when one is trying to work. I am even more puzzled by the fact that the ignorant clown just doesn’t seem concerned about the disruption that it is causing – apparently anyway – because he has, as yet, done nothing to rectify the situation. He just sniggers and shrugs when I or any of my other friendly neighbours bring the subject up with him. I have decided that either his basic reasoning is sadly lacking in proficiency, or that he is an errant arsehole.
I have seriously considered stepping outside once or twice and delivering to his car a keen and vigorous thrashing with my favourite crowbar, but that would only lead to my arrest and eventual imprisonment.
I don’t suppose that the obvious mechanical difficulties he is experiencing with his vehicle and its peripheral devices are completely unpredictable – cars are like computers: they are entirely problematical creations. But because the moron refuses to do anything constructive with his deficient alarm, contentedly leaving it to serenade us every morning, I have decided that, instead of vandalising his property, I shall move house.
(I was going to, anyway - more on this later.)
In conclusion, I would like to take this opportunity to say that I sincerely hope the stupid fool and his excitable alarm will be very happy together in the coming months and years, and that the other inhabitants of the street don’t feel compelled to murder an ugly man. I know I have.
Filed under Annoyances / Cars / Computers / Idiots / Neighbours / Neighbours from Hell / Other People / Vandalism
Comments
4 comments on “Numbskull Avoidance”
Jo Beaufoix / March 30th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Maybe you could buy a pretend car (like those pretend burglar alarms you can get.)
Then you could leave that parked outside your house so he can’t abandon his whining torture wagon there anymore.
Encourage your neighbours to do the same and hopefully he will end up having to park in a field where angry cows will trample his vehicle to death.
You could even begin to manufacture pretend cars - perhaps inflatable ones, or pop-up versions. There could be a huge market for these, i.e. anyone who hasn’t got a drive and has therefore difficulties parking in front of their own home, or others who like yourself have gittish neighbours with noisy cars.
Wow, you could probably even get on Dragon’s Den with this idea……..infact you could even build a dragon’s den outside your house. I certainly wouldn’t park in one of those and I bet ugly man wouldn’t have the guts either.
Genius.
Napoleon Fantastic / April 1st, 2007 at 12:28 pm
All useful suggestions, thankyou Jo. i’m afraid I just don’t have the resources available to go and purchase all these fantastic contraptions of which you write. So I’m gonna have to revert to my original idea and do some violence to the nobhead man. Quite looking forward to it actually…
Jo Beaufoix / April 1st, 2007 at 6:18 pm
Have fun. Graham advises you to use the large rubber mallet as it will give a satisfying twang as it bounces off his bonce.
Napoleon Fantastic / April 2nd, 2007 at 11:05 am
Hehe, I know how much Graham loves my mallet! I feel somewhat mollified now, anyway. Last night, I crept outside and let all the tyres down on his car. Hehehehehehe! (It felt so good, I was tempted to carry on and do the whole street.)
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