Under Pressure / March 25 2007
Stupid pressure cookers. I’ve had a Tefal Pressure Cooker sitting in a box in a kitchen cupboard for about five years now and yesterday, feeling adventurous, I decided to try and cook some vegetables with it.
I think the principle behind the appliance is primarily to enable one to cook food very quickly using a volatile combination of pressure and steam, thus retaining more of the nutrients than normal cooking would allow. The problem is, the manufacturers mistakenly assume that people like me (hello) would never be tempted to employ such potentially dangerous culinary devices. But we are.
I am ordinarily a very clumsy person with somewhat limited mental acuities, but with this latest disaster I have truly surpassed myself. The problems began when Audrey decided that she wanted to play with her pink pig while I was trying to read the instructions provided by Tefal. I happily gave in to her, abandoning the numerous warnings about the dangers associated with acute localisation of water steam under pressure, and casually secured the lid above my carrots and swede and nonchalantly lit the gas underneath the saucepan.
Twenty minutes later I was rushing into the kitchen from my garden games with Audrey having been alerted by a series of very powerful, high-pitched whistles and hisses. God knows what the pressure cooker was trying to tell me but I assume it was something along the lines of: ‘Stop me now or we’ll all die.’ Then the lid blew off and I soiled my trousers.
I am happy to report that no one was badly injured as a result of my irresponsible behaviour - it would have been much worse had I been standing any closer. Observing my pantomime, Audrey hastily retreated upstairs to her favourite spot under the bed and hasn’t spoken to me since. (Though she ought, by now, to be more accustomed to such regular and exciting episodes.)
I am still cleaning the remains of half a dozen carrots and a medium-sized swede from my kitchen walls and surfaces and expect to be engaged thus for many hours in the days and weeks to come. The pressure cooker is in the bin where it was ultimately destined to find itself; I should have just put it there in the first place and saved myself from a truly dramatic and terrifying experience.
In conclusion, it must be said that fellows with an innate talent for domestic disaster such as I should never be allowed to own potentially lethal or hazardous contraptions; and people shouldn’t give them to us as presents. I have now given up trying to operate any comparable piece of apparatus and plan to return to more conventional food preparation methods directly.
Stupid pressure cookers.
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
London Calling – The Clash
Filed under Cooking / Dogs / Humour / Vegetarianism / Writing
Comments
One comment on “Under Pressure”
Jo Beaufoix / March 27th, 2007 at 11:26 am
Toasters can also be very scary. Especially if you put veggie burgers in them.
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