Why I’m Vegetarian / December 8 2006
I’m not a particularly religious Christian but I do enjoy the happy festivities of the Christmas holiday period. The fascinating family get-togethers, the handsome food and beautiful booze – a truly superior occasion.
Audrey takes great pleasure in it because she gets longer walks than usual, and on our return to the house, she knows that her dinner will be more of a sophisticated affair than it normally is. While enjoying our twilight frolic around the ‘rec, I know that she is enthusiastically anticipating her garlic chicken or turkey or big chunks of honey-roast ham on these dark winter evenings.
I must report to you however that I am slightly confounded by something of a poop-conundrum. It involves other dog owners that Audrey and I often observe. This very morning we watched a rather stout, middle-aged woman retrieve her poodle’s murky deposits using a specially manufactured cellophane poop-bag in the usual manner. I do endorse her actions, of course, and those of other responsible dog owners who daily follow her admirable example.
What I find excruciatingly maddening, frustrating and just plain confusing however, are the people like her who dutifully retrieve their animal’s debris with said poop-bags, but then proceed to launch these lumpy parcels of faeces into a tree or on to a wall.
What on earth are they thinking? Who do they believe will remove these plastic parcels of poo? Me? The person whose wall it is? Didn’t they see the special red bin that says ‘Place Dog Waste Here.’ I mean, really! Their reasoning is so egregious it makes your hair clench.
Last night I dreamed I killed one of them. It was one of the most agreeable dreams I have had in many a long while, I can tell you. I beheaded the docile idiot slowly and painstakingly with my favourite blunt butter knife. I was blissfully out of control as I sawed through his pink, rubbery neck while Audrey barked excitedly and danced in tiny, animated circles around his twitching feet. What a deeply satisfying, sleepy adventure it was.
Ah, Christmas, we do enjoy ourselves, Audrey and I.
Filed under Annoyances / Christmas / Dogs / Dreams / Religion / Vegetarianism
Comments
4 comments on “Why I’m Vegetarian”
queenminx / December 8th, 2006 at 9:37 pm
My advice: hide behind the tree and throw them back.
qm
queenminx / December 8th, 2006 at 11:36 pm
I just took my own advice.
I hid behind a wheelie bin, waited for one of the f*****s to throw the poop-bag and, as soon as it hit the floor, I threw it back.
Admittedly, it wasn’t the greatest shot. I completely missed the poop-bag throwing culprit. In my defence, it was dark and I wasn’t wearing my night goggles but, I think the point has been sufficiently made.
Only problem is, the t**t threw it back. He is a better shot than I.
I am going to have a bath.
qm
MysticSaint / December 9th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
congrats for being a veg.
Napoleon Fantastic / December 9th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Hey, thanks! 25 years now and counting…
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