Napoleon Fantastic

Kylie Bombshell / July 4 2008

‘What do you reckon about that Kylie Mine-agog getting the OBE, then, eh?’ I was collared in the street this morning by the moronic fellow from number 16 who loves to share the sound of his car alarm with the neighbourhood. ‘She only got it ‘cos Prince Charles fancies her.’

I humoured him: ‘The whole affair invites speculation to some extent, doesn’t it.’ For once, I tried to make my point with a measured neutrality.

‘Makes me bloody sick,’ he opined, spittle foaming white in the corners of his mouth. ‘All these honest people like you and me grafting day after day with no thanks, and who gets honoured? Eh? Who?’ - I was worried for a moment that he was about to have an epileptic fit - ‘Some bloody Aussie tart who can’t sing – that’s who!’

My only thoughts were of escape. ‘Ha ha, yes. I would love to stand and chat but I must deliver myself of your leave. I need to lie down – I’m afraid I might be about to have a brain aneurism.’

‘Never mind – Star Trek’s on t’telly later,’ he helpfully informed me, suddenly full of joy.

This is what I said in reply: ‘That’s great.’ This is what I was actually thinking: ‘Beam me up, Scotty.’

Filed under Kylie / Prince Charles / Star Trek / English Village Life / Neighbours from Hell / Idiots / 2 Comments »

Electric Baby Grand / July 3 2008

‘My band’s new album Electric Baby Grand is out on Big Arena Records this week,’ I told my artist friend this morning. ‘It’s a reissue really, but there are some good tracks on there.’ My desire to impress her was so overwhelming I nearly burst into song right there on the wet pavement outside her house.

A smile won her face. ‘Bring a copy on Saturday evening,’ she said without even the merest hint of irony.

I held her gaze. ‘Okay, I will!’ (I managed not to sing.)

When I said ‘see you later’ to her, there was, perhaps, a fragile determination in my words.

Filed under Electric Baby Grand / Big Arena Records / Music / Enormous / 4 Comments »

Party Fears Two / July 2 2008

There were more celebrations somewhere on the other side of the rec’ last night. Audrey and I hate it when there is a house party nearby.

We do not enjoy the shouting, the horrible thumping music, or the inevitable screaming and brawling in the early hours that round these occasions off.

All of that pales into insignificance, however, when the revellers go the whole hog and set light to endless volleys of Satan’s playthings: fireworks.

I have written numerous times about how the explosions and flashes and cracking noises frighten my little dog and about how I think the detestable things should be banned - or their general sale better controlled, at least. I won’t repeat myself, but I will ask you this: if you are considering holding some kind of celebration tonight or this weekend, please think twice about using fireworks; it can be a terrifying and traumatic experience for pets and other animals.

On a more positive note, my hairy companion and I are both cheered by the fact that on Saturday evening after rehearsals we shall be looking into eyes that are blue and knowing.

Filed under Animals / Anti-Social Behaviour / Audrey / Pets / Annoyances / 2 Comments »

Hot and Coldplay / July 1 2008

‘Davy!’ Reg was shouting at me from the other side of the street. ‘Are you deaf? Davy!’ I crossed the busy thoroughfare and greeted him. ‘Love the podcasts, mate.’ He told me, smiling one of his big smiles.

Arch joker Reg is about sixty; He is very tall – nearly seven feet – and rather self-conscious in his movements; He stoops slightly with his arms dangling awkwardly in front of him, like a gangly teenager loping around in defiance of gravity. This morning, he was wearing a pair of luminous green shorts and a Hawaiian shirt that clashed with the planet Earth.

As he was speaking to me, the earplugs attached to his cheap mp3-player popped out form either side of his head. He nearly punched me in the testicles as he grabbed at the air in front of him, trying to catch the tiny escaping speakers. ‘I’m sweating so much in this damned heat, they keep falling out,’ he explained in exasperation.

‘What are you listening to?’ I inquired. I thought, to my dismay, I could hear Genesis – or, even worse, Yes - coming out of them.

‘Coldplay.’ He stared at me proudly.

‘Oh, dear.’ I couldn’t help myself. ‘Reg, as far as I’m concerned, you’d be able to appreciate Chris Martin’s bland and meaningless moaning much more if you shoved your earplugs up your arse.’ (I must admit, I have no idea what I meant by this remark.) I said see you to him and pulled Audrey down the hill towards the park.

‘Not if I see you first!’ he called after us.

Then, for some inexplicable reason, I turned around and extended to him an invitation: ‘Pop round to the studio later and I’ll find an old pair of headphones for you.’ I immediately regretted it and spent the rest of the morning feeling rather depressed and irritated with myself.

Filed under Coldplay / Genesis / Podcast / Reg / Music / Napoleon Fantastic's Big Mouth / 2 Comments »

Hopes and Fears / June 29 2008

There was a loud party going on in a house on the other side of he rec’ last night.

With the aid of the Leica 8×20 binoculars pointed through the studio window, Audrey and I watched about twenty intoxicated people as they shouted at the moon, at each other and at the world in general, seemingly oblivious to their neighbours’ need for sleep.

There appeared to be a schooldays theme to the party. We could see people dressed as schoolgirls, teachers in gowns and mortarboards, lipsticked, cigarette-smoking floor-moppers, and toothless dinnerladies in turquoise aprons.

In a comically vain attempt to express themselves with some new form of freestyle dancing, we gazed upon people mostly standing still, arms limp by their sides as they awkwardly shook their heads to the music of Amy Winehouse (who must have been taking time off from assaulting fans at Glastonbury) and, later on, to the style of tuneless guitar music that my grandmother used to call ‘Heavy Medical’ – an artless and shocking noise that used to really frighten her whenever she heard it.

On another note, Episode 10 of the Big Arena Records Podcast is now online – the hilarious and magnificent final instalment of the first season. It features the Two Hopes – Bob Hope and No Hope – singing You Do Too Much, another gloriously raucous Enormous stomper taken from Electric Baby Grand.

Before they left the studio to patronise more of the local hostelries, the Two Hopes asked me to say this to you: ‘Thank you for letting us into your home.’

(If you are not presently at home, it might be a good idea to run back and check that no one is there.)

Filed under Hope / Podcast / Electric Baby Grand / Amy Winehouse / Anti-Social Behaviour / Drinking / Nelson Galaxy / Music / Recording Studio / Insomnia / Enormous / 2 Comments »

Jumbo Skill Crane / June 27 2008

I think bad spelling is depressing. It’s an illustration of failure, like drinking alone. But whereas the latter is always a rather serious affair, the former can often have humorous results.

Passing a small building site at seven o’clock this morning, I felt obliged to point out to Audrey a notice that had been attached to one of the metal palisades that surround it. It was a concise but rather oblique message in a clumsy hand, worded as if Pete Doherty had written it.

This is what it said: No Speed Here. Slow. No Parking Here. None 2morrow. Dumbo Crain Coming. Police Will Be Called If Not Stuck 2.

Audrey was getting excited as usual, ready for our morning ball-play on the rec’. Me, I was looking forward to later in the day when I planned to return and look at the Dumbo Crain.

Filed under Pete Doherty / Humour / 4 Comments »

A Nautical Theme / June 26 2008

Audrey and I passed an old man near the shops this morning who had apparently just fallen over. He was already being helped by several people so I did not feel obliged to stay and offer any assistance myself.

Moving on, towards the post office (I had several letters to post and needed to stock up on chinagraph pencils), I overheard a couple of women talking about the incident.

‘The old fellow lost his glass eye on the pavement,’ one of them said. ‘It fell eye-down and nobody knows what the back of a glass eye looks like.’ I believe it was entirely possible to appreciate the point she was making, although her assertion did sound faintly ridiculous.

It made me think of the sea captain from the Simpsons and also, for some inexplicable reason, my new artist friend Katy who lives a few doors down from Audrey and me. She was decorating the outside of her house when I said hello to her on the way to the pub with Nelson on Sunday and the results of her efforts looked quite wonderful: very much like one of the quay-side cottages in St Ives in Cornwall that my little companion and I are hankering after.

An auspicious omen if ever I saw one.

Filed under Art / Cornwall / English Village Life / Audrey / Pretty Girls / 2 Comments »

Grace and Beauty / June 25 2008

Nelson has gone back to London today and I have just had a quick listen to the drunken podcast we recorded on Sunday.

When I’m intoxicated, my singing tends to sound like a ewe’s mating call and I feel as if I’m struggling with the brain of a citrus beverage, but nelson is always in fine vocal form and did a brilliant job on our duet in spite of our lunchtime drinking session in the Renaissance Hotel up near the junction of the M1 motorway and the A38.

We drew the curtains in the studio and lowered the lights. As we were singing You Do Too Much, the tenth song in this series taken from Electric Baby Grand, there was a bright halogen bulb in the ceiling shining directly on Nelson and at one point, just before the last double verse and chorus, I glanced over at him and it seemed as if he was composed of light.

I will do a quick mix later today in order that it can be uploaded tomorrow – if our server problems have been sorted. My initial thoughts after a few listens are that it is a brilliant performance full of the spunk, grace and beauty that one might expect from two genius songwriters – even if I do say so myself.

Filed under Drinking / Podcast / Electric Baby Grand / Song Writing / Recording Studio / Nelson Galaxy / Music / Big Arena Records / Enormous / 2 Comments »

Episode 9 / June 23 2008

The penultimate episode of this season of the Big Arena Podcast is now up.

I’m playing Finders Keepers, a song that became slightly infamous around here a few years ago due to its chilling subject matter – kidnap and murder in general, and Michael Sams in particular, the hated rapist who was jailed for life in 1993.

Sams committed some of his worst crimes in Newark-on-Trent, my old home town and, for some ridiculous reason known only to my subconscious, I thought it would be rather interesting to write a song as if he were singing it. I naively thought that if I could try to get inside the mind of an evil killer, I might produce an original and interesting piece of work. What inspired me more than anything were what people in the town who knew Sams told me about him: that he was so very average, obliging and ordinary.

I was never happy with the recorded version of the song but, in concert, Finders Keepers is a stunning sing-along favourite featuring blistering performances from the Enormous Horns.

I do not make any excuses for it, I happen to think that it’s a great song. You’ll have to make up your own minds – but it is scary, especially in the light of recent events in Austria.

I was called a misogynist and a ‘manipulative, sexist coward’ by a female vocalist who had heard the song in the studio, but it didn’t worry me unduly: I’m often called these things. This is the effect I generally have on women, anyway.

Next week, to mark the last of this season and to usher in the release on Big Arena of Electric Baby Grand, the podcast will feature a special guest. Watch this space . . .

(I won’t be able to post for a few days due to essential server maintenance. I shall be back shortly.)

Filed under Podcast / Song Writing / Songs / Enormous / 4 Comments »

Bizarre Smart Car Park Remark Lark / June 19 2008

I was tricked by a little old man today when I went into Alfreton to buy guitar strings.

He was a smartly dressed gentleman, balding with an impressive comb-over – a popular hairstyle around the East Midlands, parting his hair just below the armpit. He confronted me as I was getting out of the car. ‘I wouldn’t park there, mate,’ he said, looking concerned.