Moved / August 10 2009
Okay, avid readers, it’s time to move on over to enormousreloaded.com now.
That’s where yours truly will be blogging from now on.
See you there!
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Moving / August 7 2009
I’m moving to a new home.
From this weekend you’ll find me at enormousreloaded.com
Please adjust your bookmarks accordingly - all three million of you.
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House Party / August 5 2009
The violent monkey-man who lived next door has moved out.
He had a ‘party’ with some of his stylish gentleman friends on Saturday night to celebrate his departure. It got very out of hand. There was noise, destruction on a grand scale and intimidation on a small scale.
He and and mates from ‘oop narth’ managed to: play drum-and-bass music loud enough to shake the foundations of the houses of his neighbours (including me) until three o’clock in the morning; destroy the fence that separates his garden from mine and, along with the new pine decking from his neighbour on the other side, burn it in a big bonfire; and threaten the wife of the aforementioned neighbour-on-the-other-side with a tight fist and gnashing teeth if she even thought about calling the police.
She didn’t call the police. Neither did I. We were too frightened to get involved.
The next morning we surveyed the damage together and decided that it could have been a lot worse. No one was injured and our houses escaped with only minor damage considering the fury of the ‘celebrations’.
‘That’s life,’ she told me.
I had to agree with ironic resignation that sadly, these days, it often is.
Crowds of gloating onlookers gathered throughout the day on Sunday to tut and shake their heads in arch wonder.
Along with the general Mongol Hordes of the village and their mentally disabled children, there was a constant stream of squawking teenagers whose comments had a sad calculation to them. ‘Not so clever now, are we?’ one of them shouted at me as I was picking up empty bottles, bricks and pieces of stained wood that once constituted my garden fence. He smiled broadly at his girlfriend as if he had just uttered the most profound and hilarious comment ever known in the history of mankind.
‘Oh go home and tidy your hormones,’ I told him, drily.
I think he probably did.
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Sex Education / July 27 2009
‘You look well, Reg. Are you managing to stay of the booze?’
‘I am a bit, as it happens. Have you heard those kids over there?’ He pointed towards the teenagers that gather around the bandstand on the rec’. ‘Effing and blinding like nobody’s business. Lots of sexual swear words – stuff I haven’t heard since my army days. Some of them are only about ten and eleven years old. It makes you wonder where they pick it up, doesn’t it.’
‘School,’ I told him. ‘Or in the home. Their parents are just as bad.’
‘I blame the schools,’ he informed me. ‘Sex education for five year-olds? What the hell is that all about?’
‘Well, I imagine it’s just basic theory and anatomy. The teachers don’t provide practical demonstrations as such.’
‘It wouldn’t surprise me. The things that kids get told these days.‘ He made a loud huffing sound and shook his head in mock despair.
‘You have to refer to them as “little adults”.’ I told him.
‘Mind you in my day, it was even worse, Davy. I never got told anything about the birds and the bees and that. My father took me to one side when I was thirteen and told me that the man goes on the top and the woman goes on the bottom – that was the only sex education I received.’
‘Well, it was probably sufficient, wasn’t it?’ I couldn’t help laughing.
‘Not really, Davy, no. When me and my wife got married, we spent the first five years sleeping in bunk beds.’
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Telling Teenage Fortunes / July 24 2009
No.46
1.You will become enlightened.
2.You will become disillusioned.
3.You will find happiness in a French waitress in Clapham.
4.You will be abandoned.
5.You will lose your mojo.
6.You will learn to live with it.
7.You will get your mojo back.
8.You will discover the whole world in a little dog.
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Gentleman Davy / July 22 2009
‘Thank you. You’re a gentleman.’
I was holding the door to the bank open for a pretty woman with bright red lipstick and perfume that smelled a bit German. ‘There aren’t many of us left, you know.’
‘You can say that again.’ She fluttered her long eyelashes and looked at me in a kittenish way that definitely wasn’t German.
I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just gave her my David Niven smile and bowed my head slightly. ‘I love you,’ I thought – well, at least I think I thought it, I was suddenly terrified that I had actually said it out loud.
But all was apparently well. She spent a few moments talking to a cashier in soft, well-spoken tones and glanced at me again before leaving. ‘See you later,’ she said.
‘I certainly hope so.’ I definitely said that out loud and regretted doing so for the rest of the day.
‘I’m full of clichés,’ I lamented to Audrey when I got back to the house. ‘But sometimes certain things just have to be said.’
‘Woof!’ she informed me.
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Shine A Little Brighter / July 20 2009
I thought dentists were supposed to be clever?
My usual one is away on holiday at the moment and I saw a chatty young locum this morning.
‘So what does our Davy Lawrence do when he’s not having his teeth checked then?’
I decided not to mention the studio. ‘I a ‘ong ‘iter.’
‘Really? A song writer. How wonderful.’
‘Hur.’
‘Tell me, is it original songs you write, Davy?’
‘Eh? Er. . . ‘ell, ‘ostly, ‘esh.’ I said, taking a great interest in the surgery’s magnolia ceiling whilst trying so hard not to swallow that I thought I might have a fit.
‘Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.’
‘Hur.’
‘I’ll give you an extra polish today. For all your fans. Dazzle them with your smile, eh, Elton?’
‘Ellen?’
‘Elton John. He’s my all-time musical hero.’
‘Hur.’
‘Righto, all done! Rinse, please.’
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Telling Teenage Fortunes / July 17 2009
No.45
One rainy afternoon when you are showering and changing after a farcical game of rugby, your PE teacher will inform you and your male classmates that, for health reasons, the wearing of boxer shorts should be universally abandoned in favour of ‘tighty-whities’.
To your dismay and confusion, he will parade up and down in front of you all to demonstrate how handsome and beguiling a grown man can look when attired in such undergarments.
This peculiar behaviour will eventually be reported to the headmaster who will later relieve your PE teacher of his employ at the school. You will smile to yourself with quiet satisfaction on hearing this news. Inside, you will be laughing with glee like this: ‘Hee hee hee!’
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Folk Costumes of the World / July 15 2009
Young men around here have begun dressing very oddly.
Males in their late teens, early twenties and even into their thirties and forties have all started wearing a similar bizarre outfit that would not look out of place in a circus. It consists mostly of a Nike sports vest, three-quarter length cut-off shorts (or culottes, as I think they are otherwise called), and beach flip-flops.
What is even more surprising is that even though such a sartorial statement would undoubtedly suit a camp stage performer, a seriously ill mental patient or a West Country beach attendant, it has been almost universally adopted in the village by frighteningly ugly and threatening-looking hard men and teenage gangsters.
I pointed this out to Audrey this morning after a similarly-attired youth who was busily perfecting his multifariously complicated spitting techniques outside Mr Mishri’s shop had asked us for a cigarette as we wandered past. ‘I don’t smoke,’ I let him know in as apologetic a tone as I could muster without actually bursting into song.
‘Twat,’ he told me, and carried on spitting.
‘Another one,’ I whispered to Audrey. ‘How odd.’
‘I agree, father,’ she barked. ‘Completely ridiculous.’
The young of today need better role models. Someone fashionable and original with whom they can identify. Bring back the Spice Girls, I say.
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Bass Hole / July 13 2009
Enormous are still looking for a bass player. Think Bruce Thomas, Nick Lowe, Bruce Foxton or Jerry Scheff.
We also need a Hammond/Piano/Vox Continental player - just think Steve Naive.
If you think you fit the bill for either of these positions, mail me here or at enormous@hotmail.co.uk.
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